Theeeeese dreams go on when I close my eye-e-e-e-es

Someone I never hope to become is an actor in one of those bladder control commercials. They are always walking around, being haunted by the bathroom. Boom! Distorted zoom-in of bathroom sign. Oh no! I might miss the game by getting stuck in the bathroom line! I'm playing golf, and all the shrubbery is way too revealing! Any number of nightmarish scenarios! Yep, I enjoy my bladder just the way it is.
Here are some people I would love to be:

1. Wizard. Does it get any better than this? I could cast spells, conjure up... spells. I would live on a mountain and change the weather, totally messing with the people in the town below. And best of all, wizards can fly. These are the things I dream about.
2. DJ. I like listening to music, but I don't like it when other people choose what song is playing. This way, everyone can enjoy my good taste in tune-age, even me. Plus I look cool jumping up and down with headphones on.
3. Street musician. Similar to numero dos, but I could rock out half a block with some crazy banjo/spoon action. Plus there is the added possibility that people would throw money at me, and that's always good.
4. Recluse. A few days ago I had a sweet dream where I built a cabin out in the woods and powered it with a water wheel. I grew a bunch of vegetables and hunted some creatures, and refrigerated it all in a secret stone compartment behind a waterfall. I had a totally self sustaining environment out there, and best of all, a way to power my laptop, so you guys could hear all the crazy stuff I would have thought up.
5. An expert. I don't care what I'm an expert in, I just want to be one. I want to be the guy that gets called when people in movies say, "Call in an expert."
6. Did I say wizard yet?

When I was a kid, I wanted to be either an ice cream man or a chemist. Normal people go from wanting to be an astronaut to wanting to be an investment banker. I went from chemist to mountain wizard. That should tell you something about me.

I just saved you all .15 seconds a day for the rest of your lives!

Something that has caught my eye over the past decade is that many humans have a really hard time knowing when to use "your" and when to use "you're". But I have no beef with these people. No, what really gets me are those jerks who write "it's" when they mean "its". And don't get me started on "there", "their", and "they're". But we aren't talking about those poor souls today. I am here to solve the your/you're crisis today. It's soooo simple, you are going to be so mad you didn't think of it first. So mad, you'll probably go outside and punt a dictionary. So anyway, here is the solution:

YER

Perfectly ambiguous. No apostrophe bias here. Plus it's shorter and easier to type. All three keys are located in a four key span on the top row. Yep, you just looked at your keyboard. Sorry, yer keyboard. If you have a good time saving typing hint, I would love to hear about it. Heck, it might even pop up here, if it's good enough. And I've already thought of "thar", so you can go ahead and keep that one to yerself.


*I decided to put the punctuation outside the quotation marks this time, just for a laugh.

Caveat Lector

Wow, it only took a few weeks to run out of stuff to write about this time.
I was reading some of my older posts from last year... and I discovered that they make no sense whatsoever. No sense. It's like I go from one thought to the next without even trying to bridge them together. I couldn't even understand half of it... and I wrote it. It's like an evil scientist gave a chimpanzee the ability to type, and then forced him to type out everything on a laptop. Maybe I'm the evil scientist, and you all were reading the ramblings of my chimp, Buggles. Maybe I'm Buggles. I'll never tell...

So yeah, sorry about that. I think sometimes I try to be too clever, and it totally backfires. I used to tell jokes to my family and friends, and they would either not laugh, or give a weak pity laugh, or spontaneously combust. The reason, I believe, was that the jokes were too funny. You know a joke is good when, right at the punchline, the victims ask you to define a few key words. How am I supposed to know that people don't use words like caveat or know exactly what a writ of habeas corpus is? I mean, come on. You can't count the number of great habeas corpus jokes. At least not on one hand. Latin words are always the funniest. Those ancient Romans were always doing crazy hilarious stuff. One day they were building miles of aqueduct, the next they were throwing people in an arena filled with lions. Ha-ha! Good one, ancient Romans. Making an aqueduct, those goofballs. What are they gonna do next? Make a horse-powered cheese grater?

What? There are no more Romans? Hey, buddy. Last time I checked there was a big ol' city over in Europe named Rome. So you tell me who lives there, ok buddy? It sure as heck ain't just Europeans.

Well, this post has pretty much run its course. Like the Tiber through the... Nah, it's done. Goodnight.

Remix

I was about to start writing about how people argue a lot when I remembered that I already wrote about that. Haha! Oh lack of subjects, ye almost got me again! I was going to start it out with this gem of a intro: "One thing I've noticed over the centuries is that people love to argue. Like the Crusades. That probably started with an argument. I don't know, ask a historian." I've got this on the mind because there are a LOT of reality shows on TV these days, and the only thing that makes these shows reality are the crazy arguments the peeps get involved in. Well, sorry. Enough of that.

Don't you hate it when you accidentally knock over your deodorant and it falls off the vanity, hits the floor, and the cap cracks in half? The cap never fits back on the right way, and the deodorant is always dried out the next time you use it. Putting on dry deodorant is the worst. It scrapes off all my precious armpit hair, and leaves chunks trapped up in there. Que Horrible!

Another thing I don't like? Stubbed toes. Hey, I just call 'em as I see 'em.

That TotM

I was watching Keeping up with the Kardashians for a bit today, and I thought about writing about it... but then I realized that there really isn't anything there to write. It's more something to be ashamed of, I guess. The main thing I've noticed is that they are always screaming and crying at each other.
Warning! Sensitive issue following: As a man, I tend to attribute this behavior to, erm, "that time of the month." (Don't get mad at me! Every man thinks this exact same way. They just are too scared to say it in a public forum. I'm already regretting it/ and fearful.) Now, I know nothing about this... uh, what do I call it... Condition? Symptom? I've heard the rumor (fact?) that women who spend a lot of time together tend to "synchronize watches," so to speak.
All I know is that whenever I watch K upwitda Ks it seems like they film during that terrible week when it is that "time of the month."  That or the Kardashians are on some sort of crazy monthly rotation schedule. Yeah I am seriously starting to regret typing any of this.

Let's talk about grammar. Well, read about grammar. Pontificate about grammar? (I'm using pontificate in its informal sense: to mouth off. Look it up) Specifically, the unspoken rule that we never end a sentence with a predicate. (It's unspoken because we write it)  For example:

Laquinta: Yo, this is where the partay's at!

This is wrong. So so so wrong. Laquinta, despite being a third year law student at Columbia, made the classic mistake of ending her sentence with a predicate! She would be laughed out of any court room with that grammatical gaffe. Let's see how an expert does it:

Ledorito: This is where the partay's at, yo!

Much better. Ledorito ends his sentence with an exclamation, thus driving the point, that 'this is where the party is,' straight home.

So there is a lesson for you. Two actually, if you count the first lesson about not writing on the #1 taboo subject. And a challenge: I challenge you to go through this post and find every grammatical error. The first person to do so correctly will earn a swift punch to the gut! Happy finding!

You probably won't be able to guess the subject of this post until the end. Or ever.

I've been waiting these past few days for someone to come out and challenge my previous post like this, "Gossip Girl doesn't air on Monday!" To which I would wittily reply, "Hey! Do you think I got the time to fact check all day? Huh?" Yeah that's as witty as I get. So to get to the root of this dastardly quandary, I created a few theories. 1. Gossip Girl airs on Monday. This coincides with the "I am always right" theory. 2. Gossip Girl is rerun on Mondays. See adjoining theory above. 3. No one reads my blog. This falls in the "Lame/Depressing" category of theories. 4. My readers are just as clueless about Gossip Girl as I am. This is placed in the "Not likely" category, seeing as mostly girls read blogs. Without theories, all of humanity would be lost in the dregs of illiteracy and despair.

Sorry if I'm being a little dramatic. People close to me (momsie) have told me in the past that they don't much like some of the writing in my blog. Specifically, how I tend to rant about everything. I personally don't see any problem with it. If you got something on your chest, it's usually better to get it off. This is especially true with spiders. Plus, sometimes a good rant reminds people of something that annoys them as well. That way, they can get it off their chest too. (Unless I'm ranting about supporting undergarments. Those are best left on the chest. Although I don't see myself mentioning those. Ever.) So every once in a while... Wait just a gosh darn second! Am I ranting about ranting? Tarnation. I guess this post is over.

Lord of the Fries

First off, I gotta get something off my chest. Why do geico commercials have to be so terrible? I like geico, they provide me with automobile insurance at a lower rate than every other insurance company, but their commercials are so ridiculously asinine they make me want to tear my ears off. They finally got rid of those idiot cavemen, but that dumb gecko is worse. Their commercials with the James Bond announcer voice guy (does anybody else think his voice doesn't match his face?) were funny maybe once, but they get progressively more annoying each time you hear that car salesman radio voice. What also doesn't help is that these commercials come on EVERY commercial break. EVERY FLIPPITY DIPPIN' TIME! Cripes. Enough of that.
What I really wanted to complain about today is Hollywood. Yeah yeah yeah, I know I've complained about Hollywood before. I can do whatever I want here. I'm writing the dang thing. Your job is to read and agree. Anyway, movies released these days are ten times worse than geico commercials. Especially comedies. I can't even go to a comedy without getting bored or disgusted. Now don't get me wrong, dirty jokes don't bother me as much as dirty fingernails do. I went to a public high school, so chances are I've heard it all before. But the dirty jokes in movies nowadays are so bad they make me want to join a convent. And I pretty much just watch PG-13 movies! (I don't care what you say about Tom Cruise, The Last Samurai was a gooood movie, and totally did not deserve the R rating it got) An occasional sick joke I can either stomach or ignore; my main problem is with the general lack of funny jokes in these movies. Hollywood has taken to SNLing everything these days. What is SNLing you ask? It's where you take a joke that could possibly be funny, and then repeat it over and over, so many times that it turns into something that would be appropriate to say at a funeral. It's called geicoing in the advertising scene. It's gotten to the point where the funniest part of SNL is the live music performance. Take that Ke$ha!
I can already hear the responses. "If you don't like it, why don't you come up with something better?!" Hey, I'm trying to do just that! My problem is, I'm not dirty enough, so the movie producers wouldn't even give me another look. I've got a great story in the works, about a precocious little kitten who learns the true meaning of friendship by becoming bunkmates at summer camp with a rascally outcast ferret. Will that become the next Jim Carrey smash blockbuster hit? I think not! He's too busy fraternizing with digital penguins!
So it seems to me our only logical recourse is to revel in the classics. The next time you dust off that VHS of old Looney Tunes cartoons, go ahead and pop it in instead of dropping eight bucks to see some new Hollywood drivel. Then, on the way to get your blu-ray player repaired from VHS tape damage, rent something good, like The Last Samurai (contains Strong Violence and Battle Sequences [but so does Harry Potter!]).