Thursday, September 13, 2012

Don't get used to this.

What I don't get is how some creatures have evolved specifically to keep me up at night. Why do they have to be so noisy? Is it because it's dark, and they want all their buddies to know where they are? I heard once that frogs croaking in the night were basically shouting out pickup lines to all the lady frogs out there. So why are there 200 lusting frogs right outside my window? And how can they... erm, get it on every single night? It's gotta be some sort of genetic modification, introduced by someone really annoying.

And because of this I sleep with a fan on most nights. Not only for the cooling breezes, but also for the white noise. It's been great, except for when the fan tips over and chews a stray pencil into a billion pieces. And as noisy as that gets, it is not worse than my greatest nemesis. Rob Schneider.

Just kidding! I'm sure Mr. Schneider is very... Deep down he really is... I bet he's great. ish.

No, what really gets me is the dryer. Our dryer has a novel device built inside of it (really deep inside) that sounds a buzzer when the laundry is done. Or so one would think. This buzzer sounds for about a solid half second (which is decades in buzzer-time), but the dryer doesn't stop. Apparently, it's just a warning buzzer for the real buzzer, which sounds off after 3 more warning buzzers. Now, during normal laundry hours, (11am to 3pm, post them somewhere in your homes) this isn't such a big deal, but during roommate get-random-stuff-done time (1am to whenever, bro) this can be a little harrowing. When Satan's Doorbell (that's my nickname for it) goes off mid REM cycle, it's a crap-your-pants the-world-is-ending moment for the entire half second. Which would be fine, except when I finally get calmed down enough to start drifting away again, warning buzzer numero dos blares throughout the homestead. This continues until 1. the roommate gets his clothes or 2. I pass out due to intense trauma of the bladder region.

So I guess the moral of the story is.. Frog Abstinence.

I really hope someone finds my blog by searching for that.

It'll probably be me, later.