Tuesday, July 15, 2014

I spent too long on this post. ROI is tanking

So I finally figured it out. The secret of blogs. It's so obvious, I should have known from the start. Attempting to placate the masses with failed attempts at humor is a fool's errand. The real money lies in...

~ ~ ~ Crafts! ~ ~ ~

So, in an attempt to become the Lord of the Blogs, I have thus forth verily set my hand to crafting epic crafts of epicness! Forsooth! My first creation!

I call this stroke of genius... Tissue Jug!
As anyone who has ever drank any liquid from any vessel can tell you, the consuming of libations may often result in the dribbling of beverages down the chin onto the garments of the imbiber! Well, maybe not anyone can tell you that. I certainly can. Anyway, I have crafted a modest device that will allow immediate rectification of chin dribblings! Tissue Jug! You don't even have to pull the tissue out! Just bury your face into that glorious paper of tissue and all your facial shortcomings* will be wiped away! No more pesky paper towels, no more wishy-washy washcloths. Just Tissue Jug. Alright, that's a craft. Next...

The Office Horn!
Sometimes in an office setting, you need a horn. When people are talking about the Sarah McLachlan concert they went to over the weekend, and you are trying to work on a big merger, or whatever people with normal jobs do in an office, wouldn't it be nice to just toot on your horn to let people know it's time to get back to the grindstone? Here we have it, The Office Horn! Or, El Horno de la Oficina, as they say Down South! What? No one says that Down South? And horno means oven? How the heck do you say horn? Cuerno? Well that just sounds terrible. New craft!

It's the Cuerno of Who Gives a Crap
Sorry about that. I get a little frustrated when names don't work out. If you already made one, I guess you could put flowers in it or something. Whatever. Anyway, there is my brief foray into crafting. More to come, if I feel like it. Actually, this was pretty exhausting. In fact, I know I'm not gonna feel like it, so Lord of the Blogs will have to go to someone else. Probably my sister. She redesigns furniture and stuff which you can see here
If you need blueprints for any of my designs... then you are worse at crafting than I am, and I weep for America. And anywhere that speaks Spanish, for the obvious miscall on the horno debacle.

*disclaimer: Tissue Jug is not responsible for prepurchase facial shortcomings, nor the removal thereof.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Staind's Most Popular Song

So I think about computers. A lot. Too much. And the other day I was wondering why, whenever there was an evil murderbot threatening to exterminate mankind, the hero never thought to make a situation where the machine would have to divide by 0. Every math student knows that division by 0 is undefined, but when you try to do division by 0 with a computer it often causes an error. Try it on your calculator. Chances are, you'll get some equivalent of "Error" on the screen. If the program running the murderbot doesn't check for this, it will probably crash the system. So if you are ever in this situation, and the murderbot decides to have a verbal standoff with you, here is a handy script:
You: What is your evil plan, you bad bot!?
You: And how do you plan to do that, you dastardly device!?
You: And how will you go about dividing the area into grids, you sinister synthetic!?
You: Zero??
Explosions and so forth ensue, the world is saved, the masses cheer your name and whatever.

Speaking of murderbots and scripts, I once started to write a musical about murderbots. Specifically, a murderbot that catches the Empathy Virus, and before his system is able to quarantine and purge it a hidden registry key gets created which causes the kernel to run a 'feelings' system call before he murders. (This may not be entirely correct, because I sort of slept through my Operating Systems course, but it's close enough. Plus I have to give people something to fight about over the internet). Normally a murderbot that catches this virus is terminated, but because his systems check came back normal and his murder quotas were some of the highest ever he was deemed fit to continue by the murderbot council. He then goes on a quest, to reformat his OS so that he may aid and assist humans of all shapes and sizes, and thus break free from his murderous purpose.
Disney stopped answering my calls so it didn't really get anywhere unfortunately. I mean, we are talking about an untapped market here. So much potential! And a good lesson too. Plus it's a musical! You can take any old garbage and set it to music, and it becomes an instant hit!

So anyway, I hope the NSA doesn't have some sort of limit on the number of times the word 'murder' can be used in a blog, because then I would get flagged big time. IT IS SATIRE NSA FOLKS! PROTECTED FIRST AMENDMENT SPEECH I HOPE. And I'm getting into that weird rambling zone where my ideas just sort of barf onto the keyboard and aren't very coherent, so yeah that shall be it for now.

I talked with the NSA for a while at a career fair. They said the pay wasn't very good, at least for linguists.