Thursday, December 29, 2011

Curses and Kudos. Not really. Well, maybe one of those.

Ah curse you ingrown toenail! Just about the worst thing that can happen to a toe. Except maybe getting it lopped off. If you couldn't tell, I'm trying to get rid of an ingrown toenail right now and I almost wish I had just let it be. The sucker is more entrenched in there than (insert new relevant dictatorship metaphor now that the go-to Kim Jong Il is off the table).

Anyhow, that is disgusting. Almost as disgusting as the naked Korean hobo I saw outside the Shingil subway station. But we shall save that one for another time.

As I was thinking about what to write, nothing came to mind, as is standard with these things I suppose. So I decided just to write what comes in my head. That would be the band Rush, because I just got their greatest hits and I'm listening to it while I type. So if I randomly throw a "Tom Sawyer" in there just ignore it.

I wrote something a little bit ago about starting my own clothing company, and how I couldn't do it because I could only draw stick figures (read the post if you can't figure this out). Well, I thought that I had worked around it with my new design company, Eurotool. See, I would make clothes for all the tools out there, and it would be funny because the brand is, effectively, "You're a tool." If you don't know what a tool is... you've lived a sheltered life and the world is a better place for you. My store would have the deepest V-neck shirts, the most ambiguous manpris, fedoras with feathers in them, etc*. Basically, it would be Jason Mraz's dream store. And the design would be so simply. All I would have to do is turn the words Eurotool into artsy metal lettering and plaster it over everything. But alas! There is a company already named Eurotool. And get this: It's a company in Europe that makes tools! The nerve! So any lawyers out there, if there is a way to get around this I would give you a free fedora or maybe some manpris* if you could get me that name. Or some extra strength faux hawk hair gel.

*If you wear any of these things... I'm sorry. But being a tool is 50% attitude, so redemption is still a possibility for you.

*As I was at a loss for a word to call a pair of capris for a man, I went with this. I don't know how to spell it or what it's supposed to be called, so let's just leave it at that.


Favorite Diva: Mariah Carey

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Best Wishes

Merry Christmas everyone! Hope you have a most excellent holiday!


Favorite day around Christmas: Christmas (Christmas Eve... a close second.)

Friday, December 23, 2011

The Guru

I wrote this two months ago when I was a bit crazy. The quotations are marking where I started and stopped.

"Sorry I haven't blogged recently. I've been... occupado. Like a restroom on a mexican airline.

Not having a job makes you think about things. Like... "I wish I had a job right now" and "Not having a job stinks."

But this isn't the forum for that, is it?

No, this is where I spout off random bits of stuff that I think up, usually while I'm in the shower or driving somewhere or falling asleep (all separate occurrences of course).

Soap. I think it gives me rashes.

Oh wait! That wasn't something I wanted to write here... although I did think that in the shower the other day.

I want to talk to you all about a new ratio I've developed. It relates particularly to movies.

It is the.... brrrrrrrumrumrumrumrumbadaboombadaboom.......

Advertising Amount to Quality Ratio! Yeeeah!

Here it goes... The more terrible a movie is, the more they have to advertise. Conversely, the better a movie is, the fewer the advertisements.

A graph from somewhere important.

I think the data speaks for itself. This has been researched over nearly a decade of vigorous TV watching by yours truly. And I can prove it.

Cowboys vs. Aliens. Awful movie. They started advertising 2 years before this movie came out. Two years!

All the terrible R-rated summer comedies. Bad Teacher. The Change-up. Bucky Larson. That movie hasn't come out yet but it is absolutely guaranteed to be garbage. (disclaimer... I haven't seen any of these summer R-rated comedies. I'm just good at "judging movies by their cases")

Another movie that I haven't seen but will be stupid is Columbiana. They advertise that movie every 5 minutes. Same with Shark Night 3D. If you put 3D in the movie title, you know what you're getting yourself into.

This brings me to the stupidest movie I have ever seen. I don't remember how much they advertised it... but I'm assuming this was a billion dollar campaign. I'm talking about the Love Guru. I made it about 30 minutes into the movie before calling it quits. This movie was the worst. The jokes all fell so flat it made me"

barf. I actually don't know where I was going with this. But that's a good a place as any to stop.


Favorite kind of brain: A smart brain. Not a dumb one.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Don't know where this one will end up...

I've been watching the news lately. Big mistake, I know. That's all I got to say about that.

I like shoes. So take that, male stereotype. I don't like frilly or fancy or shiny shoes. Well, some shiny shoes. It really depends on the kind of shine. Pink shiny shoes, no. Green shiny shoes, maybe. But I don't really like talking about shoes, so I don't know why I started this post on two topics that were bound to fail.

No, what I really want to talk about is thinking. It's so simple, right? Think about what it takes to think. Yeah I just blew your mind, trapped it in a whatchamacallit. A trap. A thinking loop. I don't know. Remember that one for when the robot with AI comes after you and you need to talk it into self destructing. Because once those robots decide you need to be terminated, that's it. They don't stop.

Yes, thoughts are very powerful. Not quite as powerful as I would want, but powerful nonetheless. Not powerful enough to change TV channels, or to tell the stormtroopers that these aren't the droids they're looking for, but I guess I can wait for that. For a little bit at least.

Mostly, thoughts can control an entire day. Not through telekinesis, unfortunately, but through thinking positively. It's not easy, no. But it's definitely possible. I especially am no Zen master when it comes to things like this. It's way easy to assume that things are always going to go badly and consequently not feel disappointed when they do. But we NEED to be disappointed sometimes! If no one was ever disappointed when things went badly, then no one would ever feel excited when things went well! The key is dealing with the disappointment with a positive attitude. So I'm working on it. I hope everybody else will too. Sorry for getting preachy! Next post will be back to normal.


Favorite drawing of a cartoon unicorn: The one with the blue eyes

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

I'm back! But for how long....?

I've been on hiatus while other pressing matters have taken up most my writing time (Insert bad pun about making apple juice or olive oil, or similar "pressing matter"). An official "I'm Sorry" goes out to that one person who checked the blog during the time I didn't post. Although that could have been me accidentally. In that case... I forgive myself. And yes, I inserted that last bit in that fake pun note because I was afraid some of you might not get it at first.

Anyway, the problem with writing about nothing is that there really isn't anything to write about. So here goes nothing!

Lately I've been thinking about starting a T-shirt company. Along with about 15 million other unemployed young people. I feel like I have a lot of great ideas that could be summed up in one sentence strategically located on a T-shirt. A great T-shirt needs a succinct phrase paired with an awesome picture depicting that phrase awesomely. My biggest problem is that my drawing skills top out at stick figures with different hair and capes. Which, as you can assume, severely limits my slogan potential to "Hair and Capes!" or "My hair matches my cape" or "My other hair is a cape."  Stuff like that. Yeah, not great. So maybe that idea is out, at least until I can get some drawing practice in.

I've also wanted to get back into music. Unfortunately my singing skills have only been tested on three or four songs on RockBand (100% - aw yeah!), after which I am usually gasping for air/water and my range is limited to that song by the Crash Test Dummies. You know that song with all the mmmmmmms? Yeah, that song. Look it up. And it only takes one Mariah Carey song to get to that point, so I'm probably not cut out for that. And don't get me started on guitar. RockBand is zero help on that front. None. Real guitars aren't color-coded, FYI.

So I am left to my last option. Go back to school and learn a ton about computers and electronics and stuff and eventually replace my arms and legs and whatnot with robot parts so I can become the next stage of human evolution and wage battle with all evil everywhere and become the hero that Earth needs (That sentence was too great to be considered a run-on right?). Although, in my experience (watching movies) cyborgs are generally a bad idea. But stereotypes are meant to be challenged, and rectifying the cyborg stereotype falls squarely on my carbon fiber titanium alloy shoulders (with built in rocket launcher action!).

Well, to end this pretty pointless post perfectly (and no, alliteration does not count) here is a new segment so you can get to know me better:


Favorite Punctuation: the parenthesis

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

These theeeemes go on when I... you get the picture

Today I remembered what I titled my last blog post, and I ended up listening to Heart for a while. Those ladies can rock the house down. That's for sure.
I've been thinking that maybe my blog should have a theme. Everyone else has a theme. Why can't I? The problem is that most blogs have good themes, like crafts or scrapbooking or book summaries. I am not good at any of these things. The extent of my craftitude involves hanging a poster on the wall, or drawing dorky cartoons of a flying orange on random scraps of paper. I just barely learned that macrame was some sort of decorative way of tying knots. I always thought it sounded like a French method of execution. (Oui Oui! He shall be macremed, at ze dawn!) The only loose themes I have going on here are that many commercials are really stupid, and I hate it when people run around and scream outside my house. One can only write about these things so often (Only twice, technically, although somehow I've made it into several dozen posts). Themes are what keep these blogs alive, and without one, my blog is withering away, like a daffodil in front of a flamethrower. Like a muscle, trapped in the confines of a plaster cast. Like a raccoon, squashed flat, on the side of the highway. Shucks, I always take it one metaphor too many. Anyway, if anyone can think of a good theme, something that I might be good at writing about, please let me know. I promise your suggestion will go unpunished.

By the way, those Swiffer commercials that have hijacked "What About Love," by Heart... well, I could go without seeing another one of those. Great song though.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Theeeeese dreams go on when I close my eye-e-e-e-es

Someone I never hope to become is an actor in one of those bladder control commercials. They are always walking around, being haunted by the bathroom. Boom! Distorted zoom-in of bathroom sign. Oh no! I might miss the game by getting stuck in the bathroom line! I'm playing golf, and all the shrubbery is way too revealing! Any number of nightmarish scenarios! Yep, I enjoy my bladder just the way it is.
Here are some people I would love to be:

1. Wizard. Does it get any better than this? I could cast spells, conjure up... spells. I would live on a mountain and change the weather, totally messing with the people in the town below. And best of all, wizards can fly. These are the things I dream about.
2. DJ. I like listening to music, but I don't like it when other people choose what song is playing. This way, everyone can enjoy my good taste in tune-age, even me. Plus I look cool jumping up and down with headphones on.
3. Street musician. Similar to numero dos, but I could rock out half a block with some crazy banjo/spoon action. Plus there is the added possibility that people would throw money at me, and that's always good.
4. Recluse. A few days ago I had a sweet dream where I built a cabin out in the woods and powered it with a water wheel. I grew a bunch of vegetables and hunted some creatures, and refrigerated it all in a secret stone compartment behind a waterfall. I had a totally self sustaining environment out there, and best of all, a way to power my laptop, so you guys could hear all the crazy stuff I would have thought up.
5. An expert. I don't care what I'm an expert in, I just want to be one. I want to be the guy that gets called when people in movies say, "Call in an expert."
6. Did I say wizard yet?

When I was a kid, I wanted to be either an ice cream man or a chemist. Normal people go from wanting to be an astronaut to wanting to be an investment banker. I went from chemist to mountain wizard. That should tell you something about me.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

I just saved you all .15 seconds a day for the rest of your lives!

Something that has caught my eye over the past decade is that many humans have a really hard time knowing when to use "your" and when to use "you're". But I have no beef with these people. No, what really gets me are those jerks who write "it's" when they mean "its". And don't get me started on "there", "their", and "they're". But we aren't talking about those poor souls today. I am here to solve the your/you're crisis today. It's soooo simple, you are going to be so mad you didn't think of it first. So mad, you'll probably go outside and punt a dictionary. So anyway, here is the solution:


Perfectly ambiguous. No apostrophe bias here. Plus it's shorter and easier to type. All three keys are located in a four key span on the top row. Yep, you just looked at your keyboard. Sorry, yer keyboard. If you have a good time saving typing hint, I would love to hear about it. Heck, it might even pop up here, if it's good enough. And I've already thought of "thar", so you can go ahead and keep that one to yerself.

*I decided to put the punctuation outside the quotation marks this time, just for a laugh.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Caveat Lector

Wow, it only took a few weeks to run out of stuff to write about this time.
I was reading some of my older posts from last year... and I discovered that they make no sense whatsoever. No sense. It's like I go from one thought to the next without even trying to bridge them together. I couldn't even understand half of it... and I wrote it. It's like an evil scientist gave a chimpanzee the ability to type, and then forced him to type out everything on a laptop. Maybe I'm the evil scientist, and you all were reading the ramblings of my chimp, Buggles. Maybe I'm Buggles. I'll never tell...

So yeah, sorry about that. I think sometimes I try to be too clever, and it totally backfires. I used to tell jokes to my family and friends, and they would either not laugh, or give a weak pity laugh, or spontaneously combust. The reason, I believe, was that the jokes were too funny. You know a joke is good when, right at the punchline, the victims ask you to define a few key words. How am I supposed to know that people don't use words like caveat or know exactly what a writ of habeas corpus is? I mean, come on. You can't count the number of great habeas corpus jokes. At least not on one hand. Latin words are always the funniest. Those ancient Romans were always doing crazy hilarious stuff. One day they were building miles of aqueduct, the next they were throwing people in an arena filled with lions. Ha-ha! Good one, ancient Romans. Making an aqueduct, those goofballs. What are they gonna do next? Make a horse-powered cheese grater?

What? There are no more Romans? Hey, buddy. Last time I checked there was a big ol' city over in Europe named Rome. So you tell me who lives there, ok buddy? It sure as heck ain't just Europeans.

Well, this post has pretty much run its course. Like the Tiber through the... Nah, it's done. Goodnight.

Friday, July 1, 2011


I was about to start writing about how people argue a lot when I remembered that I already wrote about that. Haha! Oh lack of subjects, ye almost got me again! I was going to start it out with this gem of a intro: "One thing I've noticed over the centuries is that people love to argue. Like the Crusades. That probably started with an argument. I don't know, ask a historian." I've got this on the mind because there are a LOT of reality shows on TV these days, and the only thing that makes these shows reality are the crazy arguments the peeps get involved in. Well, sorry. Enough of that.

Don't you hate it when you accidentally knock over your deodorant and it falls off the vanity, hits the floor, and the cap cracks in half? The cap never fits back on the right way, and the deodorant is always dried out the next time you use it. Putting on dry deodorant is the worst. It scrapes off all my precious armpit hair, and leaves chunks trapped up in there. Que Horrible!

Another thing I don't like? Stubbed toes. Hey, I just call 'em as I see 'em.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

That TotM

I was watching Keeping up with the Kardashians for a bit today, and I thought about writing about it... but then I realized that there really isn't anything there to write. It's more something to be ashamed of, I guess. The main thing I've noticed is that they are always screaming and crying at each other.
Warning! Sensitive issue following: As a man, I tend to attribute this behavior to, erm, "that time of the month." (Don't get mad at me! Every man thinks this exact same way. They just are too scared to say it in a public forum. I'm already regretting it/ and fearful.) Now, I know nothing about this... uh, what do I call it... Condition? Symptom? I've heard the rumor (fact?) that women who spend a lot of time together tend to "synchronize watches," so to speak.
All I know is that whenever I watch K upwitda Ks it seems like they film during that terrible week when it is that "time of the month."  That or the Kardashians are on some sort of crazy monthly rotation schedule. Yeah I am seriously starting to regret typing any of this.

Let's talk about grammar. Well, read about grammar. Pontificate about grammar? (I'm using pontificate in its informal sense: to mouth off. Look it up) Specifically, the unspoken rule that we never end a sentence with a predicate. (It's unspoken because we write it)  For example:

Laquinta: Yo, this is where the partay's at!

This is wrong. So so so wrong. Laquinta, despite being a third year law student at Columbia, made the classic mistake of ending her sentence with a predicate! She would be laughed out of any court room with that grammatical gaffe. Let's see how an expert does it:

Ledorito: This is where the partay's at, yo!

Much better. Ledorito ends his sentence with an exclamation, thus driving the point, that 'this is where the party is,' straight home.

So there is a lesson for you. Two actually, if you count the first lesson about not writing on the #1 taboo subject. And a challenge: I challenge you to go through this post and find every grammatical error. The first person to do so correctly will earn a swift punch to the gut! Happy finding!

Monday, June 27, 2011

You probably won't be able to guess the subject of this post until the end. Or ever.

I've been waiting these past few days for someone to come out and challenge my previous post like this, "Gossip Girl doesn't air on Monday!" To which I would wittily reply, "Hey! Do you think I got the time to fact check all day? Huh?" Yeah that's as witty as I get. So to get to the root of this dastardly quandary, I created a few theories. 1. Gossip Girl airs on Monday. This coincides with the "I am always right" theory. 2. Gossip Girl is rerun on Mondays. See adjoining theory above. 3. No one reads my blog. This falls in the "Lame/Depressing" category of theories. 4. My readers are just as clueless about Gossip Girl as I am. This is placed in the "Not likely" category, seeing as mostly girls read blogs. Without theories, all of humanity would be lost in the dregs of illiteracy and despair.
Sorry if I'm being a little dramatic. People close to me (momsie) have told me in the past that they don't much like some of the writing in my blog. Specifically, how I tend to rant about everything. I personally don't see any problem with it. If you got something on your chest, it's usually better to get it off. This is especially true with spiders. Plus, sometimes a good rant reminds people of something that annoys them as well. That way, they can get it off their chest too. (Unless I'm ranting about supporting undergarments. Those are best left on the chest. Although I don't see myself mentioning those. Ever.) So every once in a while... Wait just a gosh darn second! Am I ranting about ranting? Tarnation. I guess this post is over.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Lord of the Fries

First off, I gotta get something off my chest. Why do geico commercials have to be so terrible? I like geico, they provide me with automobile insurance at a lower rate than every other insurance company, but their commercials are so ridiculously asinine they make me want to tear my ears off. They finally got rid of those idiot cavemen, but that dumb gecko is worse. Their commercials with the James Bond announcer voice guy (does anybody else think his voice doesn't match his face?) were funny maybe once, but they get progressively more annoying each time you hear that car salesman radio voice. What also doesn't help is that these commercials come on EVERY commercial break. EVERY FLIPPITY DIPPIN' TIME! Cripes. Enough of that.
What I really wanted to complain about today is Hollywood. Yeah yeah yeah, I know I've complained about Hollywood before. I can do whatever I want here. I'm writing the dang thing. Your job is to read and agree. Anyway, movies released these days are ten times worse than geico commercials. Especially comedies. I can't even go to a comedy without getting bored or disgusted. Now don't get me wrong, dirty jokes don't bother me as much as dirty fingernails do. I went to a public high school, so chances are I've heard it all before. But the dirty jokes in movies nowadays are so bad they make me want to join a convent. And I pretty much just watch PG-13 movies! (I don't care what you say about Tom Cruise, The Last Samurai was a gooood movie, and totally did not deserve the R rating it got) An occasional sick joke I can either stomach or ignore; my main problem is with the general lack of funny jokes in these movies. Hollywood has taken to SNLing everything these days. What is SNLing you ask? It's where you take a joke that could possibly be funny, and then repeat it over and over, so many times that it turns into something that would be appropriate to say at a funeral. It's called geicoing in the advertising scene. It's gotten to the point where the funniest part of SNL is the live music performance. Take that Ke$ha!
I can already hear the responses. "If you don't like it, why don't you come up with something better?!" Hey, I'm trying to do just that! My problem is, I'm not dirty enough, so the movie producers wouldn't even give me another look. I've got a great story in the works, about a precocious little kitten who learns the true meaning of friendship by becoming bunkmates at summer camp with a rascally outcast ferret. Will that become the next Jim Carrey smash blockbuster hit? I think not! He's too busy fraternizing with digital penguins!
So it seems to me our only logical recourse is to revel in the classics. The next time you dust off that VHS of old Looney Tunes cartoons, go ahead and pop it in instead of dropping eight bucks to see some new Hollywood drivel. Then, on the way to get your blu-ray player repaired from VHS tape damage, rent something good, like The Last Samurai (contains Strong Violence and Battle Sequences [but so does Harry Potter!]).

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Digital generation

Editor's note: I wrote this like 10 months ago. If you don't get some of the references... invent a time machine and go back to last winter. Or Google it.

Some people think that reading a person's blog is a good substitute for talking to that person. This is false. The only good substitute for talking to a person is talking to a robot programmed with all the knowledge in the world and has it's auto-correction chip removed, for its own safety. I would also accept talking to a dog with really expressive eyes. In the world we live in, things are becoming increasingly digitized. We get all our information online, from the news to what Susie is wearing to the homecoming dance. We can chat online. We can poke people online. We can even take tours of places online. Pretty soon people are going to be doing their business all over the interwebs. Yeah, that kind of business. Gross! What I've noticed is that people don't know how to interact anymore. Like me. I hate talking on the phone. On the phone, there is some real pressure. When you email or chat online, there is ample time to procure witty responses to any posed question. On the phone, there is no time (unless you are me, and pretend the connection is bad until I think of something good to say). Plus, with the internet, you can quickly research things and pretend to know what the other person is talking about. Here are some examples:

Question: Did you hear that President Obama is instituting a federal pay freeze?
Internet response: Yeah. It's supposed to start next year and last for 2 years. Hopefully it will curtail government spending and reduce the federal deficit! Too bad I'm a judge! TTYL
Phone response: No.

Question: Yo man! Did you see Monday Night Football?! It was awesome!!
Internet response: Yeah bro! Dude, Drew Brees' passer rating of 147.3 was the highest of his career! And Roman Harper's interception in the fourth was sick! It's gonna be a crazy playoff race... LOL!
Phone response: Oh. I watched Gossip Girl instead.

So the internet saves people obvious embarrassment. It also makes people MORE embarrassed. Like when you read something on the internet and you stupidly believe it to be true, and then get in an argument with someone over what you read, naively believing what you read is true. Later you find out that the person you argued with wrote a book on what you were arguing about, and was obviously right. Curses internet! And your flaw of being constructed by people who don't know any solid facts!

This is the stuff I thought about 10 months ago.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

I don't know

You want to know one thing that bothers me? A grown man that giggles. Leave the giggling to the 6 year old girls. Life ain't no tea party.

Speaking of tea parties... I don't like politics, so let's not get in to that.

The weather is heating up here in the Northern Hemisphere. Too hot. And too humid/dry/bright/smelly/lousy (The Northern Hemisphere is huge!) Don't get me wrong, summer is a great season. Just not as great as spring, fall, or winter. Or that other one, the one they only have in Mexico. El nino or something. Personally, I love fall. Mostly because it reminds me of Harry Potter, and I long to be a spellcrafter. Or mage. Plus I think I look great in sweaters.

The greatest thing about summer is air conditioning. It conditions the air! Like magic! And uses massive amounts of energy! And makes it feel like fall. The worst thing about summer is having to be the guy that fixes the air conditioning. People can't live for 8 hours without cool air. It's absolutely abominable! And if you happen to live in a house that doesn't have a/c, well, say goodbye to having any company over the summer. And to having a good night's sleep.

I'll probably have more to write about on this topic later. Perhaps...

Friday, June 17, 2011

'Haha' funny or 'that's weird' funny?

Here is a funny little tidbit for you, a tasty morsel if you will. Several people have stumbled on to my blog by searching on Google for "Cheese Aficionado." Lucky them!

Thursday, June 16, 2011


I think if I did more real things, I would have more real stuff to write about. Unfortunately, I don't do anything except work and sleep, and that stuff is not that cool. But I can write anything that comes from my


Spell check tells me that that is not the correct way to spell imagination. Not very imaginative! Sometimes I daydream about having super human powers, usually super strength or the power of flight. What would I do with these powers ye ask? Mayhap fight hordes of villains? Nay, I would never be stopped at those stupid stoplights that let two cars through and then instantly turn red. I hate stoplights. Especially when people only use them as a general guideline and not the law. I'm trying to get through this ridiculous short light and some dumbo is sitting in the middle of the intersection waiting to make a left turn on a light that has been through 5 red-green cycles. This person is inevitably yapping on their phone, picking their nose, making out/fighting with their boyfriend/girlfriend/marmoset. When I was younger I would get so impatient at these lights I would imagine a steering wheel popping out of my mom's seat, and the van turning magic-school-bus-style into a rocket powered super vehicle. I would snap out of my beautiful reverie just in time to see us pull right into the driveway! Not. We would be at the same gosh dang intersection, waiting on someone yakking on a ham radio or whatever the heck they had back then instead of cell phones. Anyway, be a considerate driver or whatever lesson you want to take from this. Keep your dreams alive. Nah that's still not it.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Word of the day (month? year?)

If there is one thing that you never want to be called, that would be a "chump." Not because of anything the word insinuates ~
chump | ch əmp|
noun informala foolish person how can this chump be a detective?• an easily deceived persona sucker.ORIGIN early 18th cent. (in the sense [thick lump of wood] ): probably a blend of chunk and lump or stump .~ but because it just sounds dumb. I mean, who wants to be called a blend of chunk, lump, and stump? When I was growing up in the hinterlands of the midwest, I had to work on chopping and stacking wood all day every Saturday. Let me tell you, the lumpy chunky stumps were the worst. So be smart, look sharp, and don't ever glance up at the ceiling, no matter what they say is written up there.

Hahaha... how can this chump be a detective? What a chumpy example. There has got to be a joke in there somewhere.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

You probably should save the three minutes it's gonna take to read this and go solve 1/8th of a crossword puzzle

Have you ever had a day where you were super busy at work and lifted a ton of heavy stuff and then got home and fell asleep on your couch to a Lifetime original movie and then woke up all sweaty on the coffee table in a puddle of drool with your shirt creeping dangerously higher up your midriff? Oh... yeah... me neither. Wait, you're telling me that guys have torsos, and not midriffs? Well, forget about that entire intro. What I don't get is why it's called a "midriff." Last I heard, a riff was a repeated phrase of guitar music, or what Robin Williams does in all his movies. How does that relate at all to a belly? How does the middle of one of those things relate to a belly? What relates to a belly? Theeeese are the questions, wordsmiths. You'll be hearing from me soon.

I just looked it up in the dictionary. ORIGIN Old English midhrif, from mid + hrif [belly.] So next time someone complains about how dumb a word is, remember this moment, and say, "The Old English word hrif (H - R - I - F) means belly!" You win again, wordsmiths. This isn't over.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


Along with my not having anything to write about, my computer decided to rip its cord apart and lose its charge, leaving me unable to blog. "But Chancho, what about blogging on your iPhone that you so generously bragged about?" Yeah yeah, I know. It's too small to write on in any detail, so... you win, Android.
The other day I was ranting about deaf cats, and my friends were like "You should blog about that!" That's when I remembered that I had a blog. So I decided to use it. To take over the world!!! No way, taking over the world would be way too much work. I mean, evil people talk about it all the time, but really? The infrastructure that it would take to run the world would be craaazy complex. Plus the logistics. Oh the logistics! So that's out.
What I think evil people should do is more subtle. I think they should take over the media and the movie and music industries and then overproduce and under-perform everything. Oh wait. Mission accomplished.
Anyway, perhaps I will be able to keep up on everything now. Don't expect much!