Friday, November 19, 2010


So here is a memory that I am not proud of (actually I'm kind of proud... but I have to say that I am not to keep PETA off me). I was probably 8 or 10 or something in there. One of those whiny ages where your teeth still fall out on the bus and you sometimes can't make it to the bathroom on time. Um... I guess that could describe more than one stage in life. I was still in elementary school, alright? It was probably around this time of year, November, and we were getting ready for Thanksgiving festivities at my house. I, of course, didn't want to do any of that junk. Cooking and cleaning are lame! So I left the house and went to... my secret hideout! Ok, so it was my friend's secret hideout, but I hid there too sometimes. As I approached the hideout (about 1/4 mile from my house) something wasn't right. Maybe it was the foreboding cloud cover, or perhaps the old truck rattling by slowly, but I'm pretty sure it was the flock (herd?) of turkeys surrounding the hedge that was our hideout. Most animals are smart, and flee the scene when a rambunctious youth comes storming up. Unfortunately, turkeys are, in a word, stupid. I rushed up to the hideout's entrance, hollering and making my best "boogity boogity" face. Suddenly, my position of seeming dominance turned into a position of desperation as the turkeys formed sort of a wagon circle around me. I don't know if you have ever seen a turkey up close, but to an 8 year old, they are freaking scary! Those big gross necks and nasty beaks and messed up talons and feathers! I did what any young scrappy boy would in my situation. I picked up a handy stick and whacked the closest one right in the head. It made a gurgly gobble and fell sideways into the next turkey. The turkeys stared at me, unsure of what to do, and then began to close in. I then did what any young scared-to-crap lad would do, and took off towards my house. That day, the 1/4 mile sprint record was shattered. Halfway home, I looked back. Big mistake. It was like that scene in Jurassic Park where they look in the side view mirror (Objects in mirror are closer than they appear) and the T-rex is right on them. Luckily I had gone to the bathroom right before I ventured out that afternoon. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to run as fast. I dove over the fence, ran up to the house, slid through the door and locked it. My mom stared at me for a second, and said "Oh good, you're here. Clean and set the table please."

Maybe those turkeys weren't so bad.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Something girly

Hey errybody!
I want to give you one of my favorite recipes!!
It's called kimchi chiggae. (I was going to be funny and type it in Korean haha, but stupid blogger doesn't support it. It has packs for Fijian, but not Korean. Fail)
Ok here we gooooooo -

1. Mix kimchi and anything you have lying around in a pot of water.
2. Boil

Alright alright, I'll be more specific (even though that's how they actually made it back in the day).
I like to start with the kimchi in the pot first. I fill it up about 1/8th of the way and then pour water in until it's a little more than half full. I put it to mid/high and leave it for a bit. Next I stir in some beef bullion. How much you put it is a matter of taste, but you need to see the broth change color to a more hearty red. I chop up a zucchini and put it in next. I then use a spoon to scoop in a can of Spam straight into the pot (A. Spam is good. B. I know this technically makes this budae chiggae, who cares?). You can add other things, like string mushrooms, green onions, and even potatoes. I like to keep mine simple. The longer you slow boil it, the better it is, but you really only need to do it for about a half hour. Eat with rice and dried salted seaweed, and be prepared for the fire in ya belly!

I love to eat food. That's why I weigh 600 pounds.


So I've been trying to think of what to write about for the past few days, and I've been drawing a blank every time. Well, actually I haven't been trying to draw anything. If I was then maybe I would have something to post.

See how easy that was? It's a green ninja, perfect for those stealthy jungle outings. Or to infiltrate a gang of rogue ninja turtles.

He would fit right in! Those dirty sewer turtles would never see it coming. Kablam! Stealth shuriken right to the face!
Usually i write about stuff that I think of that either relates to me at that moment or stuff that I remember from my days past. Right now, I'm going to another dimension, and I'm going to write about the future. Now this isn't going to be one of those things from the 60's where they are like "The Year 1990 - Robots learn how to love again." It's going to be something... something that might happen by then. Ok, enough flabbling already. (It's like babbling, but fatter)
2011 - Are you kidding me? That's in like 2 months. Waaaay to close to even make something up, much less plan. Let's try...
2020 - Uh, I think I will still be in the same place, doing the same job, eating the same TV dinner. But for the sake of entertainment... I've just made my second million with my brilliant invention, the Ceiling Stomper. Have you ever been annoyed by the loud bumps and thumps from your neighbors above? Gain sweet revenge with the Ceiling Stomper, a rubber mat on the end of a jackhammer! You've just been stomped! I choose to live modestly, with a mere 3000 square foot hut overlooking the Pacific. I spend my spare time hunting for truffles with my trusty hog Jacques, and reading the complete works of Geoffrey Chaucer. Fast forward a bit to...
2043 - Justin Bieber is now president. Now, we all know that this shouldn't be possible, but the previous president, Usher, annexed Canada, Mexico, and French Guiana (now just "The Guiana") and made it legal for any citizens of The United Places of America to become president. Oh and the State of the Union address is now referred to simply as "Confessions." Ohio State University is now the nation's largest penitentiary. Snooki was deported and now runs the biggest threat to American security: A mass of crazy Amazonian tribal women who have learned how to fight "Jersey Style." I move to the colony on the moon, where I make a killing on crater real estate.
2065 -  I make a billion Bieber bucks by buying the rights to all Rob Thomas music and selling Animatronix Matchbox 20 bands to clubs and coffee shops. It's like those Chucky Cheese's with the curtain and singing animal band, but way less creepy and for adults.
2075 - I'm 90, so I don't really care what's going on, as long as you turn the Matlock reruns up/turn that crap down.

So there is the future, more or less. Let's hope it doesn't turn out that way (except I'll still be rollin' in the cheese, right?).

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Oh yes

One of these days I'm going to finish all of my half written posts, and then you'll be sorry.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

the FRESHMAN experience

It's something that all college attendees go through. Unless they don't. But they should. Actually, no. They should not. There is just something magical about being a freshman in college. Maybe it's being in extremely close quarters with 40 strangers of the same age and gender, or maybe it's the extremely potent flatus inducing dorm food. It's probably both. I've noticed that universities tend to encourage the freshman experience. "Here, have this scholarship!" They say, "Come here for freeeeee! Not including books and living expenses." So we go. Sucked right into their evil trap. Immediately on arrival, the university has "Orientation," or Phase I of the diabolical scheme. Because what you don't know is that the university gave the same spiel to about 4000 pretty girls, all of whom are at this orientation and ready to mingle. Add to this several university representatives pitching the town to you. "We've got dances every weekend!" "Here is a map of all the cheap places to eat!" "There is a theater within a 40 minute walk that shows not quite recently released movies until 1 AM and it only costs a dollar!" Enter Phase II. Implementation: Make classes so boring and easy to skip that you pretty much have to not go. So you skip class, sleep in, and maybe catch a 1 AM movie to round out the day. This happens for around 12 weeks until the university sets Phase III into motion. Grades. Suddenly you are rocking a solid 2.5 grade point and the dean sends you a stern letter, the gist of which is that while they would love to have you continue your education at (insert university initials), you will have to pay the entire price of tuition Not including books and living expenses. The university then uses the money it is saving to lure a new batch of recruits in, and the cycle continues. (That's why they call it a cycle! It never stops!)
Now I know what you all are thinking. That's right, I can read minds! Or at least I am a very good guesser. You all are like, "Man, this guy is some kind of conspiracy nut, man. He probably thinks the moon landing never happened, maaan. He probably thinks that President Zachary Taylor's acute gastroenteritis was induced by an anti-whig democrat to allow then Vice President Millard Fillmore to press forward the democrat-brokered Compromise of 1850! MAN! He probably thinks--" Okay, anti-conspiracy conspiracy theorist hippie! We get it! You know your history. Well done. Obviously class wasn't too boring for you. Now I forgot where I was going with this. Bah.

Monday, November 8, 2010

What was I supposed to do again?

I figure that I've put off writing about this for long enough. Procrastination. Why do we do it? Why are teachers always all up in ya'll bidness about it? Why is it such a long word? These are the questions, folks. Well, these are some questions at least. I may or may not answer any of them. I also might answer some other questions that no one is asking. Here are the main two reasons I put things off. 1. I have something better to do. 2. I don't want to do whatever I'm procrastinating. Something better includes: Video Games, Eating, Sleeping, Reading Comics, Watching Stupid TV Shows, Capitalizing Unnecessarily, Solving Quadratic Equations, and Fantasy Football. Not in that order. Those lovely things notwithstanding, everything seems to distract us when there is something we need to do. Not even cool things. Like searching for customizable lanyards on the internet. When I was in college, I would procrastinate doing something that was due in a few days by doing something that was due in a few months (ha... like once, right?).
TRUE STOOOOOOORY: Online classes are cool and a pain at the same time. They are cool because you can do the coursework on your own schedule, and a pain because you don't do the coursework. My last semester I had to take an Organizational Behavior class to graduate, and it just happened to be offered online only. The thing you gotta know about ORGB is that (no offense to anyone that majored/is employed in this field) it made me want to punch myself in the face every time I looked in the book. (Sidenote: I just saw a Febreze commercial where a guy smells his bathmat. What? Who does that? What did he think he was going to find?) Because the whole class was based out of the book, I had to tie my hands behind my back to even start doing the homework. So I put it off. All semester. There were 20 quizzes and 4 tests due for the course, and I did nothing. It was awesome, because I had a ton of time to do homework for my other classes and (see "Something Better" list above). It was awesome until finals were going to start. It was cool though, I had a whole day (the last day of finals) to finish all the quizzes and wam! bam! take all the tests in the testing center. And that's what I did. Read the whole book, took every quiz, and took all the tests in about 8 hours. Despite nearly having a coronary when the online testing site went down that morning, and fighting off an ulcer from the whole experience, it went pretty well. I even got a B+.

So what did we learn from all this? Not. Much.