Thursday, October 28, 2010


I don't believe in argument. Now before you all try to dispute that, let me explain. The first reason why I don't think arguing with someone is useful is because MY opinion is the only one that matters. So therefore I don't need to hear anyone else. The second is that everyone thinks the way I do. Out of the hundreds of arguments I've had with people, we almost never come to a consensus. This is why North Korea is still around, people! Give me one example where people came to an agreement without duking it out and I will say "You made that up!" (Don't give me an example please. I'm not going to read it.) In an argument (usually) two people give their points and then try and disprove the other's point. Most people can't do this on the fly though, and it either turns into a repetitive shouting match, a mess of irrelevance, or into something like that Monty Python sketch where all the guy says is "No it isn't" to counter every point the arguer (arguist?) is trying to make. So to combat that vice of argument, Here are three of my solutions. You may use any of them, gratis. I am not responsible for any injury or lawbreaking from following these.
1. Good ol fashioned coercion. Basically you knock them in the head, blackmail, or generally threaten them until you all live in a tense harmony. Everyone is... Happy. If you say so.
2. Brainwashing. Good for those mad scientist types. You either get a machine with a bunch of wires, or a chemical concoction, and shock/drug the victim until they don't know what they believe in. Then you insert your opinion in their brains. I'm pretty sure that's how it works. Can't quite remember...
3. My personal favorite. Don't have an opinion. When someone tries to argue with you about the foreign policy of Botswana, just say "I don't really care much for foreign policy. How about we talk about crocheting? (or any topic that you can't have a strong opinion on)" Here are a few more: grammar, the Periodic table, cardboard, doorknob shapes, and the taxation policies of Mongolia. Pretty soon everyone will leave you alone and you can read that book you've been trying to finish.

So that's my opinion on having no opinion. Hmmm, I probably shouldn't have written this.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

No Title Necessary

I've been trying to think of how to say this more tactfully (tactly?) but I can't. Sorry mom! My mom and I were talking about how she didn't like my blog and she said, "At least you don't run out of stuff to write." Maybe not, but I always get bored of what I'm writing about midway through each post. This causes me to quickly finish up with some dumb comment to get the post over with. Adding to this is that I am usually writing this stuff well after midnight, and the lack of sleep causes me to act..... stoned, I guess is how I would put it. Everything, even commercials that I've seen hundreds of thousands of times and which make me want to gouge out my brains with a rusty ladle, seems absolutely hilarious when I've stayed up long enough (Maybe my mom doesn't like how gloriously descriptive I am... Hey I tell it how it is). Humor is a very fickle beast (I don't know what that means). It means that humor can mean a lot of different things to different people. For instance, there is a young man on nickelodeon named Fred. Now, in my opinion, Fred is a twit (you can't get sued for your opinion, right?). But apparently, children believe this Fred is hilarious. To be fair, children also think elastic green corduroy pants are cool (at least I did. Every picture of me in first and second grade has me wearing these green, high-water, stretchy corduroy pants with a white stripe running down the side. They were pretty hot). My friend Rico thinks barfing is the most comical of all bodily functions, when it is, in fact, gross. Hollywood seems to think poking fun at homosexuals is great fun, but it is, in fact, also gross. But you know what, you might think a barfing homosexual in tight green corduroys is the next Don Rickles.
So there are a lot of funny things out there. You just may or may not know how to properly discern what exactly is funny. Thankfully, I am here to help. Let me know about anything that you think might be funny, and I will help you figure it out if it actually is (it's probably not. Sorry).

Hey I got bored three times before I finally finished this post. Lucky for you I kept at it.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Things that I do that bother me.

1. For some reason I eat like 8/9ths of a box of cereal and then leave the rest of the box in the cupboard for months. The remainder in the box is never enough for a full bowl of cereal, so it's really annoying.
2. I'm moderately tall (186 cm) and I never look up. I am always banging my head into open cupboard doors/pipes in the ceiling/low hanging light fixtures.
3. I punch cement walls sometimes. Better than punching people, right?
4. I watch late night TV to fall asleep. There is nothing but stupid junk on TV after 10 (and often before 10 too. Bazzziiiing!). The worst things about late night TV are the commercials. Every other one has a bunch of women beckoning lonely men to call or text them about who knows what. Recently, there has even been a commercial offering to help people have affairs. Television is going to usher in Armageddon.
5. I get sore after I work out. I have dreams about becoming a superhuman all the time. Usually all I have is super strength and the power of flight, but that is enough to save all the gorgeous women in my dream city. That's all I have to say about that.
6. I actually don't really bother myself a whole lot. I am pretty cool. Why don't you tell me some of the things that bother you about me? Actually, don't. I'll just punch a wall.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Why I'm not in a band...

Because those no good American Idol judges couldn't see talent even if it mooned them on the subway. American Idol was a good idea, maybe for the first two or three seasons. But it's been going on for what, 30, 40 seasons? You can't throw a rock without hitting an American Idol now (What are you doing throwing rocks anyway? That kind of behavior can get you in big trouble. One time, my brother threw a snowball with a rock inside it at me. He got grounded for like 2 weeks. All true, except it was actually me). With so many Idols saturating the music industry, it became ripe for infiltration by people with no musical ability. Listen to "Pretty Boy Swag" by Soulja Boy if you don't believe me (I'm pretty sure if I tried to make a career by calling myself "Soulja Boy" it would turn into "That Soldier Fellow"). And to show how not racist I am, watch the Ke$ha performances on Saturday Night Live from a few months ago. I'm pretty sure SNL's 4 remaining viewers switched over to "The Red Green Show" quicker than you could say "bottle of Jack." That performance was worse for the franchise than the MacGruber movie and It's Pat combined (Note to readers: I have not actually seen either movie. I just heard they were terrible, which is good enough for me!). Don't worry about missing your chance Hollywood, I'm fully prepared to criticize you later!
Back to actual music, here is a list of artists/groups that I am listening to:

1. Rob Thomas - He's cool. I have both of his solo albums.
2. Big Time Rush - They are a Nickelodeon boy band... but the songs are just so dang catchy!
3. Usher - Somehow he's managed to release like 6 albums in 2 months, or something.
4. Good Charlotte - Sometimes you have to kick it 2003 style, right?
5. Tokio Hotel - They are the coolest German pop/rock band in history. Google image search for Bill Kaulitz's hair and you'll see why.
These aren't the only ones, but it's all that I feel like posting for now. Adios amigos!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


I hate animals. Well, all animals except falcon/hawk/eagles and turtles. And some types of dogs. And I don't know about hate... it's more like an intense distrust. A distrust bred in fear. Yeah, ok, a lot of animals freak me out. Here we goooooo!

1. Fish - I don't like fish because they are slippery and covered in slime. Plus they taste bad. And their fins are like razor blades. Once I went fishing with my friend, and every fish we caught had nasty deformed growths all over their heads. When I say head, I basically mean the whole body, cause it all kind of meshes together.
2. Birds - You never know when a bird is going to dive/swoop/poop. When I was driving home from camping a few weeks ago, a bird swooped in front of my car. This happens a lot, and normally the bird just turns up and away. This bird had obviously been flying straight into glass windows all day, because it swooped right into the hood of my car and flipped off across the road. Bird poop is nasty.
3. Cats - Cats are mean, spiteful, soulless creatures. Nuff said.
4. Insects - Not scary, just annoying. I've got a license to kill for these things.
5. Snakes, rats, spiders, other crawling beasts - I don't know why people like these things. We build houses to keep these monsters out, not to create a suitable environment for a reptile cage. Satan was a snake in Genesis for a reason: they are more evil than cats. Lizards and chameleons are ok I suppose, but only because they eat insects.
6. Random zoo animals - As much as they try to make the zoo feel like the animals natural habitat, I highly doubt that the African savanna smells like a sewer. I would much rather watch a special on Discovery than see a load of animals in captivity.

So yeah, those are a few reasons why I am not a big animal fan. I'm off to go watch the History channel.

Monday, October 11, 2010


I was channel surfing today and I happened upon Martha Stewart. She was totally decorating a cake with some lady. I guess my ship has sailed.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Things that make me happy

 To show people that I don't hate everything (Ed. note: I don't) here are some cool things about the world.
1. Winning. Doesn't matter what, as long as I win I am happy. It could be a pick up basketball game. It could be the chance to decorate a cake with Martha Stewart. At least it would mean a free trip to wherever Martha Stewart lives. Martha's Vineyard perhaps? I don't know.
2. A solid meal. That's why Cracker Barrel is an awesome restaurant. You get a delicious, well proportioned meal for a decent price. And you can play that triangle game where if you leave more than four golf tees you are an eeg-no-ray-moos. Or something.
3. Music (that isn't rap, country, screamo, metal, or anything else that I listen to when I'm in a bad mood). Funny enough, two songs that make me happy are by Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears. You know you like them too. Oh and anything by Rob Thomas.
4. A good movie/tv show. Just as nothing is as bad as a terrible movie, nothing is as good as an awesome movie.
5. Getting a good night's sleep. Sleep is gooooood.
6. A lot of things.
7. When people comment on my stuff. Thanks friends and family! You've done well!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Wild Yonder

So I went camping over the weekend. I figured it was the best way to get out of going to church. Naaah! We got back in time for church. Kind of. But anyway, it was pretty awesome. We went up in the Uintas and found a really secluded campground deep in a canyon. Lots of trees and leaves and rocks and bears. Yeah, bears. There were like 15 signs all around the camp. Thanks, Parks and Rec. Way to sell your campground. I went with my good friend Sanchez and my little brother Pepito. We went up there to just get away from civilization and technology and dumb girls, and to build a ton of crap with rope and sticks. Well, we didn't build a ton of crap, but we did rig up a pretty nice shelter with our rope and sticks. Ok, it was pretty much just a tarp tied to a tree, but it was a shelter, by Jove! We slapped together some tin foil dinners (Apparently I'm the only one that calls them hobo dinners. Sorry Sanchez, I didn't realize hobos got offended by food), and chomped down on our ground beef, potatoes, carrots, and asparagus feast-a-roni. We sat and jawed out by the fire and had a ukulele battle with another camper (So I was playing my ukulele and some other guy across the camp was romping on his harmonica. It wasn't much of a battle). It was way dark out so we figured it was a good a time as any to hit the hay (False. We slept on leaves). I thought, "Hey, we got this nice shelter, a bed of leaves, and some warm sleeping bags. This should be no problem!" Ha, how wrong a dude can be sometimes. First of all, there were critters of various sizes skittering around all night. I mean, for real, animals... what the heck? Go to sleep, you rabid jerks. Second of all, leaves are stupid. They got squashed down in like one second and it was like sleeping on rocks again. Plus the ground was slanted so I kept rolling into Pepito. Third of all, none of these things bothered Sanchez or Pepito. In like 10 seconds, Sanchez was already roaring like a turbo powered chainsaw, and after a few minutes Pepito was buzzing like a... Chinese moped. I could have dealt with just Pepito, but the surround sound effect of both of them made my brain want to explode. So... I camped out in the car. Which was as quiet as a dead horse (do people say that?). That made it a little disconcerting, especially since I was sure a bear was going to come and tear the top off my car like a can of sardines. There I was, rolled up in the back just like one of those little fish. It would have been too easy. Did I mention my car is not a big car? I basically slept with my knee in my mouth and my toe in my eye. Don't ask. Regardless of all the sleep trauma, I had a great time. I would ask you something stupid, like "Tell me about a time you went camping," or "Have you ever had a bear tear the top off your car like a sardine can? Explain," but I know you will just ignore it.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Peligroso es mi nombre medio.

As you can tell by my name, I am Hispanic. As you can tell by my Spanish, I am not Hispanic.
I am afraid of heights. Hey! Wipe that smirk off your face. You're probably afraid of heights too. Wuss. I've gotten a lot better since I started climbing to the top of 30 story buildings and leaning right over the edge. Maybe I'm not even scared of heights anymore. Huh. Well, here is a list of things I am scared of.
1. Girls.
2. While not looking, getting hit right in the face with a fastball.
3. Accidentally stealing something from a store.
4. Steve Buscemi.
5. Basically the whole cast of Con Air.
5. Making mistakes.
7. Pork. (I ate bad pork once and was violently ill all night. I still eat it, but with a side of fear.)
8. Finally getting the opportunity to meet Rob Thomas and screwing it up.
9. Finding my soulmate and not having the courage to talk to her. (Not really. This was just to keep the womenfolk reading. Next one is for you men!)
10. Dropping a game winning touchdown catch.

There you have it. Here are some things I am not afraid of:
1. Heights (ha HA!)
2. Getting stabbed. Trust me, I have been stabbed many times, both accidental and on purpose. It's not that bad.
3. That's it.

User Error

I fix things for a living. Usually after breaking them first. They always say, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." I love that saying. It basically gives me license to break whatever I want. As long as I fix it afterward. I wonder who 'They' are. I imagine somewhere a group of people goes around and spouts off proverbs to unsuspecting bystanders. Probably somewhere in California. San Fransisco area. I guess. As you all know, they don't make things like they used to. (Now 'they' are making things too! What the heck, California?) I mean, they can make a refrigerator with a TV in the door but they can't make socks that automatically pair up in the laundry and don't get holes in them. C'mon scientists! Anyway, most things that I fix I can fix really quickly. This is due to a special thing I call ~ "The Magic Touch" (Patent Pending). I touch it, and BLAMO! it works. Ok, it's actually mostly because people don't know how to turn things on. For example: "The air conditioning doesn't work and it's getting really hot in here!" (They are turning the heater knob) "Our window is really hard to open!" (There's a latch) "The tub doesn't drain!" (The stopper is down) "There is water pouring from the ceiling!" (...) Alright, so that last one takes a bit more than "The Magic Touch" (Patent Pending).

Disclaimer: I made all of this stuff up.

Disclaimer 2: I do great work at my job. No breaking things there.

Disclaimer 3: I feel like there should be one more for good measure. Did I mention that my boss is awesome? Well, she is! (Disclaimer 4: This part is not made up).

So yeah, legal stuff can get pretty boring! I should know, I'm a lawyer. What I want from you people (Whaddya mean you people?) is a time where you couldn't figure out how the heck something worked, so you asked for help, and it turned out to be the easiest thing in the world to do, and you felt stupid. I would give you one of mine, but it never happens. So there.