Thursday, December 29, 2011

Curses and Kudos. Not really. Well, maybe one of those.

Ah curse you ingrown toenail! Just about the worst thing that can happen to a toe. Except maybe getting it lopped off. If you couldn't tell, I'm trying to get rid of an ingrown toenail right now and I almost wish I had just let it be. The sucker is more entrenched in there than (insert new relevant dictatorship metaphor now that the go-to Kim Jong Il is off the table).

Anyhow, that is disgusting. Almost as disgusting as the naked Korean hobo I saw outside the Shingil subway station. But we shall save that one for another time.

As I was thinking about what to write, nothing came to mind, as is standard with these things I suppose. So I decided just to write what comes in my head. That would be the band Rush, because I just got their greatest hits and I'm listening to it while I type. So if I randomly throw a "Tom Sawyer" in there just ignore it.

I wrote something a little bit ago about starting my own clothing company, and how I couldn't do it because I could only draw stick figures (read the post if you can't figure this out). Well, I thought that I had worked around it with my new design company, Eurotool. See, I would make clothes for all the tools out there, and it would be funny because the brand is, effectively, "You're a tool." If you don't know what a tool is... you've lived a sheltered life and the world is a better place for you. My store would have the deepest V-neck shirts, the most ambiguous manpris, fedoras with feathers in them, etc*. Basically, it would be Jason Mraz's dream store. And the design would be so simply. All I would have to do is turn the words Eurotool into artsy metal lettering and plaster it over everything. But alas! There is a company already named Eurotool. And get this: It's a company in Europe that makes tools! The nerve! So any lawyers out there, if there is a way to get around this I would give you a free fedora or maybe some manpris* if you could get me that name. Or some extra strength faux hawk hair gel.

*If you wear any of these things... I'm sorry. But being a tool is 50% attitude, so redemption is still a possibility for you.

*As I was at a loss for a word to call a pair of capris for a man, I went with this. I don't know how to spell it or what it's supposed to be called, so let's just leave it at that.


Favorite Diva: Mariah Carey

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Best Wishes

Merry Christmas everyone! Hope you have a most excellent holiday!


Favorite day around Christmas: Christmas (Christmas Eve... a close second.)

Friday, December 23, 2011

The Guru

I wrote this two months ago when I was a bit crazy. The quotations are marking where I started and stopped.

"Sorry I haven't blogged recently. I've been... occupado. Like a restroom on a mexican airline.

Not having a job makes you think about things. Like... "I wish I had a job right now" and "Not having a job stinks."

But this isn't the forum for that, is it?

No, this is where I spout off random bits of stuff that I think up, usually while I'm in the shower or driving somewhere or falling asleep (all separate occurrences of course).

Soap. I think it gives me rashes.

Oh wait! That wasn't something I wanted to write here... although I did think that in the shower the other day.

I want to talk to you all about a new ratio I've developed. It relates particularly to movies.

It is the.... brrrrrrrumrumrumrumrumbadaboombadaboom.......

Advertising Amount to Quality Ratio! Yeeeah!

Here it goes... The more terrible a movie is, the more they have to advertise. Conversely, the better a movie is, the fewer the advertisements.

A graph from somewhere important.

I think the data speaks for itself. This has been researched over nearly a decade of vigorous TV watching by yours truly. And I can prove it.

Cowboys vs. Aliens. Awful movie. They started advertising 2 years before this movie came out. Two years!

All the terrible R-rated summer comedies. Bad Teacher. The Change-up. Bucky Larson. That movie hasn't come out yet but it is absolutely guaranteed to be garbage. (disclaimer... I haven't seen any of these summer R-rated comedies. I'm just good at "judging movies by their cases")

Another movie that I haven't seen but will be stupid is Columbiana. They advertise that movie every 5 minutes. Same with Shark Night 3D. If you put 3D in the movie title, you know what you're getting yourself into.

This brings me to the stupidest movie I have ever seen. I don't remember how much they advertised it... but I'm assuming this was a billion dollar campaign. I'm talking about the Love Guru. I made it about 30 minutes into the movie before calling it quits. This movie was the worst. The jokes all fell so flat it made me"

barf. I actually don't know where I was going with this. But that's a good a place as any to stop.


Favorite kind of brain: A smart brain. Not a dumb one.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Don't know where this one will end up...

I've been watching the news lately. Big mistake, I know. That's all I got to say about that.

I like shoes. So take that, male stereotype. I don't like frilly or fancy or shiny shoes. Well, some shiny shoes. It really depends on the kind of shine. Pink shiny shoes, no. Green shiny shoes, maybe. But I don't really like talking about shoes, so I don't know why I started this post on two topics that were bound to fail.

No, what I really want to talk about is thinking. It's so simple, right? Think about what it takes to think. Yeah I just blew your mind, trapped it in a whatchamacallit. A trap. A thinking loop. I don't know. Remember that one for when the robot with AI comes after you and you need to talk it into self destructing. Because once those robots decide you need to be terminated, that's it. They don't stop.

Yes, thoughts are very powerful. Not quite as powerful as I would want, but powerful nonetheless. Not powerful enough to change TV channels, or to tell the stormtroopers that these aren't the droids they're looking for, but I guess I can wait for that. For a little bit at least.

Mostly, thoughts can control an entire day. Not through telekinesis, unfortunately, but through thinking positively. It's not easy, no. But it's definitely possible. I especially am no Zen master when it comes to things like this. It's way easy to assume that things are always going to go badly and consequently not feel disappointed when they do. But we NEED to be disappointed sometimes! If no one was ever disappointed when things went badly, then no one would ever feel excited when things went well! The key is dealing with the disappointment with a positive attitude. So I'm working on it. I hope everybody else will too. Sorry for getting preachy! Next post will be back to normal.


Favorite drawing of a cartoon unicorn: The one with the blue eyes

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

I'm back! But for how long....?

I've been on hiatus while other pressing matters have taken up most my writing time (Insert bad pun about making apple juice or olive oil, or similar "pressing matter"). An official "I'm Sorry" goes out to that one person who checked the blog during the time I didn't post. Although that could have been me accidentally. In that case... I forgive myself. And yes, I inserted that last bit in that fake pun note because I was afraid some of you might not get it at first.

Anyway, the problem with writing about nothing is that there really isn't anything to write about. So here goes nothing!

Lately I've been thinking about starting a T-shirt company. Along with about 15 million other unemployed young people. I feel like I have a lot of great ideas that could be summed up in one sentence strategically located on a T-shirt. A great T-shirt needs a succinct phrase paired with an awesome picture depicting that phrase awesomely. My biggest problem is that my drawing skills top out at stick figures with different hair and capes. Which, as you can assume, severely limits my slogan potential to "Hair and Capes!" or "My hair matches my cape" or "My other hair is a cape."  Stuff like that. Yeah, not great. So maybe that idea is out, at least until I can get some drawing practice in.

I've also wanted to get back into music. Unfortunately my singing skills have only been tested on three or four songs on RockBand (100% - aw yeah!), after which I am usually gasping for air/water and my range is limited to that song by the Crash Test Dummies. You know that song with all the mmmmmmms? Yeah, that song. Look it up. And it only takes one Mariah Carey song to get to that point, so I'm probably not cut out for that. And don't get me started on guitar. RockBand is zero help on that front. None. Real guitars aren't color-coded, FYI.

So I am left to my last option. Go back to school and learn a ton about computers and electronics and stuff and eventually replace my arms and legs and whatnot with robot parts so I can become the next stage of human evolution and wage battle with all evil everywhere and become the hero that Earth needs (That sentence was too great to be considered a run-on right?). Although, in my experience (watching movies) cyborgs are generally a bad idea. But stereotypes are meant to be challenged, and rectifying the cyborg stereotype falls squarely on my carbon fiber titanium alloy shoulders (with built in rocket launcher action!).

Well, to end this pretty pointless post perfectly (and no, alliteration does not count) here is a new segment so you can get to know me better:


Favorite Punctuation: the parenthesis