Thursday, December 9, 2010


Does it bother anyone else when people pronounce wikipedia like this: wik-a-pedia? I know it bothers me every time I say it that way. There is a pretty obvious -i- right in the middle there. What is a wiki anyway? A wookie youth nearing puberty?

Wookies aren't real.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

I hate trying to think of something relevant to put here

Do any of you have a favorite meal? A perfect combination of foods that you crave even when you are full? Steak and potatoes? Burger and fries? Foie gras and escargot?

Me too. Mine is chocolate milk and a salted nut roll TM.

When it comes to making dinner, I suck. Breakfast is easy. I either A. Skip it, B. Cereal/granola bar, or D. Chocolate milk and a salted nut roll. If you think there should be another option in there, you're wrong. That option is dead to me and has been stricken (struck? stracked?) from the record.

Lunch is easy too. The hardest part is choosing which fast food restaurant to feel sick at. I like to switch it up often, keep my stomach guessing so it remains too confused to feel sick.

Dinner is a fickle beast, however. By fickle beast I mean it's a pain. I can't just eat granola bars because I would just be hungry 20 minutes later and I can't go out because I am too lazy and poor to do it twice. Which leaves me with... TV dinners. I'm pretty sure TV dinners are made with the cheapest ingredients known to man (or woman) but it's ok because they pass the savings on to the consumer. You get a meal for like 2 bucks. In a basic TV dinner, you get some meat substitute, some potato substitute, a vegetable, and a desert. Sometimes. Some companies tend to leave out the vegetable and desert, which is fine by me. Who eats that stuff anyway?

Well, this topic got boring fast.

Friday, November 19, 2010


So here is a memory that I am not proud of (actually I'm kind of proud... but I have to say that I am not to keep PETA off me). I was probably 8 or 10 or something in there. One of those whiny ages where your teeth still fall out on the bus and you sometimes can't make it to the bathroom on time. Um... I guess that could describe more than one stage in life. I was still in elementary school, alright? It was probably around this time of year, November, and we were getting ready for Thanksgiving festivities at my house. I, of course, didn't want to do any of that junk. Cooking and cleaning are lame! So I left the house and went to... my secret hideout! Ok, so it was my friend's secret hideout, but I hid there too sometimes. As I approached the hideout (about 1/4 mile from my house) something wasn't right. Maybe it was the foreboding cloud cover, or perhaps the old truck rattling by slowly, but I'm pretty sure it was the flock (herd?) of turkeys surrounding the hedge that was our hideout. Most animals are smart, and flee the scene when a rambunctious youth comes storming up. Unfortunately, turkeys are, in a word, stupid. I rushed up to the hideout's entrance, hollering and making my best "boogity boogity" face. Suddenly, my position of seeming dominance turned into a position of desperation as the turkeys formed sort of a wagon circle around me. I don't know if you have ever seen a turkey up close, but to an 8 year old, they are freaking scary! Those big gross necks and nasty beaks and messed up talons and feathers! I did what any young scrappy boy would in my situation. I picked up a handy stick and whacked the closest one right in the head. It made a gurgly gobble and fell sideways into the next turkey. The turkeys stared at me, unsure of what to do, and then began to close in. I then did what any young scared-to-crap lad would do, and took off towards my house. That day, the 1/4 mile sprint record was shattered. Halfway home, I looked back. Big mistake. It was like that scene in Jurassic Park where they look in the side view mirror (Objects in mirror are closer than they appear) and the T-rex is right on them. Luckily I had gone to the bathroom right before I ventured out that afternoon. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to run as fast. I dove over the fence, ran up to the house, slid through the door and locked it. My mom stared at me for a second, and said "Oh good, you're here. Clean and set the table please."

Maybe those turkeys weren't so bad.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Something girly

Hey errybody!
I want to give you one of my favorite recipes!!
It's called kimchi chiggae. (I was going to be funny and type it in Korean haha, but stupid blogger doesn't support it. It has packs for Fijian, but not Korean. Fail)
Ok here we gooooooo -

1. Mix kimchi and anything you have lying around in a pot of water.
2. Boil

Alright alright, I'll be more specific (even though that's how they actually made it back in the day).
I like to start with the kimchi in the pot first. I fill it up about 1/8th of the way and then pour water in until it's a little more than half full. I put it to mid/high and leave it for a bit. Next I stir in some beef bullion. How much you put it is a matter of taste, but you need to see the broth change color to a more hearty red. I chop up a zucchini and put it in next. I then use a spoon to scoop in a can of Spam straight into the pot (A. Spam is good. B. I know this technically makes this budae chiggae, who cares?). You can add other things, like string mushrooms, green onions, and even potatoes. I like to keep mine simple. The longer you slow boil it, the better it is, but you really only need to do it for about a half hour. Eat with rice and dried salted seaweed, and be prepared for the fire in ya belly!

I love to eat food. That's why I weigh 600 pounds.


So I've been trying to think of what to write about for the past few days, and I've been drawing a blank every time. Well, actually I haven't been trying to draw anything. If I was then maybe I would have something to post.

See how easy that was? It's a green ninja, perfect for those stealthy jungle outings. Or to infiltrate a gang of rogue ninja turtles.

He would fit right in! Those dirty sewer turtles would never see it coming. Kablam! Stealth shuriken right to the face!
Usually i write about stuff that I think of that either relates to me at that moment or stuff that I remember from my days past. Right now, I'm going to another dimension, and I'm going to write about the future. Now this isn't going to be one of those things from the 60's where they are like "The Year 1990 - Robots learn how to love again." It's going to be something... something that might happen by then. Ok, enough flabbling already. (It's like babbling, but fatter)
2011 - Are you kidding me? That's in like 2 months. Waaaay to close to even make something up, much less plan. Let's try...
2020 - Uh, I think I will still be in the same place, doing the same job, eating the same TV dinner. But for the sake of entertainment... I've just made my second million with my brilliant invention, the Ceiling Stomper. Have you ever been annoyed by the loud bumps and thumps from your neighbors above? Gain sweet revenge with the Ceiling Stomper, a rubber mat on the end of a jackhammer! You've just been stomped! I choose to live modestly, with a mere 3000 square foot hut overlooking the Pacific. I spend my spare time hunting for truffles with my trusty hog Jacques, and reading the complete works of Geoffrey Chaucer. Fast forward a bit to...
2043 - Justin Bieber is now president. Now, we all know that this shouldn't be possible, but the previous president, Usher, annexed Canada, Mexico, and French Guiana (now just "The Guiana") and made it legal for any citizens of The United Places of America to become president. Oh and the State of the Union address is now referred to simply as "Confessions." Ohio State University is now the nation's largest penitentiary. Snooki was deported and now runs the biggest threat to American security: A mass of crazy Amazonian tribal women who have learned how to fight "Jersey Style." I move to the colony on the moon, where I make a killing on crater real estate.
2065 -  I make a billion Bieber bucks by buying the rights to all Rob Thomas music and selling Animatronix Matchbox 20 bands to clubs and coffee shops. It's like those Chucky Cheese's with the curtain and singing animal band, but way less creepy and for adults.
2075 - I'm 90, so I don't really care what's going on, as long as you turn the Matlock reruns up/turn that crap down.

So there is the future, more or less. Let's hope it doesn't turn out that way (except I'll still be rollin' in the cheese, right?).

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Oh yes

One of these days I'm going to finish all of my half written posts, and then you'll be sorry.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

the FRESHMAN experience

It's something that all college attendees go through. Unless they don't. But they should. Actually, no. They should not. There is just something magical about being a freshman in college. Maybe it's being in extremely close quarters with 40 strangers of the same age and gender, or maybe it's the extremely potent flatus inducing dorm food. It's probably both. I've noticed that universities tend to encourage the freshman experience. "Here, have this scholarship!" They say, "Come here for freeeeee! Not including books and living expenses." So we go. Sucked right into their evil trap. Immediately on arrival, the university has "Orientation," or Phase I of the diabolical scheme. Because what you don't know is that the university gave the same spiel to about 4000 pretty girls, all of whom are at this orientation and ready to mingle. Add to this several university representatives pitching the town to you. "We've got dances every weekend!" "Here is a map of all the cheap places to eat!" "There is a theater within a 40 minute walk that shows not quite recently released movies until 1 AM and it only costs a dollar!" Enter Phase II. Implementation: Make classes so boring and easy to skip that you pretty much have to not go. So you skip class, sleep in, and maybe catch a 1 AM movie to round out the day. This happens for around 12 weeks until the university sets Phase III into motion. Grades. Suddenly you are rocking a solid 2.5 grade point and the dean sends you a stern letter, the gist of which is that while they would love to have you continue your education at (insert university initials), you will have to pay the entire price of tuition Not including books and living expenses. The university then uses the money it is saving to lure a new batch of recruits in, and the cycle continues. (That's why they call it a cycle! It never stops!)
Now I know what you all are thinking. That's right, I can read minds! Or at least I am a very good guesser. You all are like, "Man, this guy is some kind of conspiracy nut, man. He probably thinks the moon landing never happened, maaan. He probably thinks that President Zachary Taylor's acute gastroenteritis was induced by an anti-whig democrat to allow then Vice President Millard Fillmore to press forward the democrat-brokered Compromise of 1850! MAN! He probably thinks--" Okay, anti-conspiracy conspiracy theorist hippie! We get it! You know your history. Well done. Obviously class wasn't too boring for you. Now I forgot where I was going with this. Bah.

Monday, November 8, 2010

What was I supposed to do again?

I figure that I've put off writing about this for long enough. Procrastination. Why do we do it? Why are teachers always all up in ya'll bidness about it? Why is it such a long word? These are the questions, folks. Well, these are some questions at least. I may or may not answer any of them. I also might answer some other questions that no one is asking. Here are the main two reasons I put things off. 1. I have something better to do. 2. I don't want to do whatever I'm procrastinating. Something better includes: Video Games, Eating, Sleeping, Reading Comics, Watching Stupid TV Shows, Capitalizing Unnecessarily, Solving Quadratic Equations, and Fantasy Football. Not in that order. Those lovely things notwithstanding, everything seems to distract us when there is something we need to do. Not even cool things. Like searching for customizable lanyards on the internet. When I was in college, I would procrastinate doing something that was due in a few days by doing something that was due in a few months (ha... like once, right?).
TRUE STOOOOOOORY: Online classes are cool and a pain at the same time. They are cool because you can do the coursework on your own schedule, and a pain because you don't do the coursework. My last semester I had to take an Organizational Behavior class to graduate, and it just happened to be offered online only. The thing you gotta know about ORGB is that (no offense to anyone that majored/is employed in this field) it made me want to punch myself in the face every time I looked in the book. (Sidenote: I just saw a Febreze commercial where a guy smells his bathmat. What? Who does that? What did he think he was going to find?) Because the whole class was based out of the book, I had to tie my hands behind my back to even start doing the homework. So I put it off. All semester. There were 20 quizzes and 4 tests due for the course, and I did nothing. It was awesome, because I had a ton of time to do homework for my other classes and (see "Something Better" list above). It was awesome until finals were going to start. It was cool though, I had a whole day (the last day of finals) to finish all the quizzes and wam! bam! take all the tests in the testing center. And that's what I did. Read the whole book, took every quiz, and took all the tests in about 8 hours. Despite nearly having a coronary when the online testing site went down that morning, and fighting off an ulcer from the whole experience, it went pretty well. I even got a B+.

So what did we learn from all this? Not. Much.

Thursday, October 28, 2010


I don't believe in argument. Now before you all try to dispute that, let me explain. The first reason why I don't think arguing with someone is useful is because MY opinion is the only one that matters. So therefore I don't need to hear anyone else. The second is that everyone thinks the way I do. Out of the hundreds of arguments I've had with people, we almost never come to a consensus. This is why North Korea is still around, people! Give me one example where people came to an agreement without duking it out and I will say "You made that up!" (Don't give me an example please. I'm not going to read it.) In an argument (usually) two people give their points and then try and disprove the other's point. Most people can't do this on the fly though, and it either turns into a repetitive shouting match, a mess of irrelevance, or into something like that Monty Python sketch where all the guy says is "No it isn't" to counter every point the arguer (arguist?) is trying to make. So to combat that vice of argument, Here are three of my solutions. You may use any of them, gratis. I am not responsible for any injury or lawbreaking from following these.
1. Good ol fashioned coercion. Basically you knock them in the head, blackmail, or generally threaten them until you all live in a tense harmony. Everyone is... Happy. If you say so.
2. Brainwashing. Good for those mad scientist types. You either get a machine with a bunch of wires, or a chemical concoction, and shock/drug the victim until they don't know what they believe in. Then you insert your opinion in their brains. I'm pretty sure that's how it works. Can't quite remember...
3. My personal favorite. Don't have an opinion. When someone tries to argue with you about the foreign policy of Botswana, just say "I don't really care much for foreign policy. How about we talk about crocheting? (or any topic that you can't have a strong opinion on)" Here are a few more: grammar, the Periodic table, cardboard, doorknob shapes, and the taxation policies of Mongolia. Pretty soon everyone will leave you alone and you can read that book you've been trying to finish.

So that's my opinion on having no opinion. Hmmm, I probably shouldn't have written this.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

No Title Necessary

I've been trying to think of how to say this more tactfully (tactly?) but I can't. Sorry mom! My mom and I were talking about how she didn't like my blog and she said, "At least you don't run out of stuff to write." Maybe not, but I always get bored of what I'm writing about midway through each post. This causes me to quickly finish up with some dumb comment to get the post over with. Adding to this is that I am usually writing this stuff well after midnight, and the lack of sleep causes me to act..... stoned, I guess is how I would put it. Everything, even commercials that I've seen hundreds of thousands of times and which make me want to gouge out my brains with a rusty ladle, seems absolutely hilarious when I've stayed up long enough (Maybe my mom doesn't like how gloriously descriptive I am... Hey I tell it how it is). Humor is a very fickle beast (I don't know what that means). It means that humor can mean a lot of different things to different people. For instance, there is a young man on nickelodeon named Fred. Now, in my opinion, Fred is a twit (you can't get sued for your opinion, right?). But apparently, children believe this Fred is hilarious. To be fair, children also think elastic green corduroy pants are cool (at least I did. Every picture of me in first and second grade has me wearing these green, high-water, stretchy corduroy pants with a white stripe running down the side. They were pretty hot). My friend Rico thinks barfing is the most comical of all bodily functions, when it is, in fact, gross. Hollywood seems to think poking fun at homosexuals is great fun, but it is, in fact, also gross. But you know what, you might think a barfing homosexual in tight green corduroys is the next Don Rickles.
So there are a lot of funny things out there. You just may or may not know how to properly discern what exactly is funny. Thankfully, I am here to help. Let me know about anything that you think might be funny, and I will help you figure it out if it actually is (it's probably not. Sorry).

Hey I got bored three times before I finally finished this post. Lucky for you I kept at it.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Things that I do that bother me.

1. For some reason I eat like 8/9ths of a box of cereal and then leave the rest of the box in the cupboard for months. The remainder in the box is never enough for a full bowl of cereal, so it's really annoying.
2. I'm moderately tall (186 cm) and I never look up. I am always banging my head into open cupboard doors/pipes in the ceiling/low hanging light fixtures.
3. I punch cement walls sometimes. Better than punching people, right?
4. I watch late night TV to fall asleep. There is nothing but stupid junk on TV after 10 (and often before 10 too. Bazzziiiing!). The worst things about late night TV are the commercials. Every other one has a bunch of women beckoning lonely men to call or text them about who knows what. Recently, there has even been a commercial offering to help people have affairs. Television is going to usher in Armageddon.
5. I get sore after I work out. I have dreams about becoming a superhuman all the time. Usually all I have is super strength and the power of flight, but that is enough to save all the gorgeous women in my dream city. That's all I have to say about that.
6. I actually don't really bother myself a whole lot. I am pretty cool. Why don't you tell me some of the things that bother you about me? Actually, don't. I'll just punch a wall.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Why I'm not in a band...

Because those no good American Idol judges couldn't see talent even if it mooned them on the subway. American Idol was a good idea, maybe for the first two or three seasons. But it's been going on for what, 30, 40 seasons? You can't throw a rock without hitting an American Idol now (What are you doing throwing rocks anyway? That kind of behavior can get you in big trouble. One time, my brother threw a snowball with a rock inside it at me. He got grounded for like 2 weeks. All true, except it was actually me). With so many Idols saturating the music industry, it became ripe for infiltration by people with no musical ability. Listen to "Pretty Boy Swag" by Soulja Boy if you don't believe me (I'm pretty sure if I tried to make a career by calling myself "Soulja Boy" it would turn into "That Soldier Fellow"). And to show how not racist I am, watch the Ke$ha performances on Saturday Night Live from a few months ago. I'm pretty sure SNL's 4 remaining viewers switched over to "The Red Green Show" quicker than you could say "bottle of Jack." That performance was worse for the franchise than the MacGruber movie and It's Pat combined (Note to readers: I have not actually seen either movie. I just heard they were terrible, which is good enough for me!). Don't worry about missing your chance Hollywood, I'm fully prepared to criticize you later!
Back to actual music, here is a list of artists/groups that I am listening to:

1. Rob Thomas - He's cool. I have both of his solo albums.
2. Big Time Rush - They are a Nickelodeon boy band... but the songs are just so dang catchy!
3. Usher - Somehow he's managed to release like 6 albums in 2 months, or something.
4. Good Charlotte - Sometimes you have to kick it 2003 style, right?
5. Tokio Hotel - They are the coolest German pop/rock band in history. Google image search for Bill Kaulitz's hair and you'll see why.
These aren't the only ones, but it's all that I feel like posting for now. Adios amigos!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


I hate animals. Well, all animals except falcon/hawk/eagles and turtles. And some types of dogs. And I don't know about hate... it's more like an intense distrust. A distrust bred in fear. Yeah, ok, a lot of animals freak me out. Here we goooooo!

1. Fish - I don't like fish because they are slippery and covered in slime. Plus they taste bad. And their fins are like razor blades. Once I went fishing with my friend, and every fish we caught had nasty deformed growths all over their heads. When I say head, I basically mean the whole body, cause it all kind of meshes together.
2. Birds - You never know when a bird is going to dive/swoop/poop. When I was driving home from camping a few weeks ago, a bird swooped in front of my car. This happens a lot, and normally the bird just turns up and away. This bird had obviously been flying straight into glass windows all day, because it swooped right into the hood of my car and flipped off across the road. Bird poop is nasty.
3. Cats - Cats are mean, spiteful, soulless creatures. Nuff said.
4. Insects - Not scary, just annoying. I've got a license to kill for these things.
5. Snakes, rats, spiders, other crawling beasts - I don't know why people like these things. We build houses to keep these monsters out, not to create a suitable environment for a reptile cage. Satan was a snake in Genesis for a reason: they are more evil than cats. Lizards and chameleons are ok I suppose, but only because they eat insects.
6. Random zoo animals - As much as they try to make the zoo feel like the animals natural habitat, I highly doubt that the African savanna smells like a sewer. I would much rather watch a special on Discovery than see a load of animals in captivity.

So yeah, those are a few reasons why I am not a big animal fan. I'm off to go watch the History channel.

Monday, October 11, 2010


I was channel surfing today and I happened upon Martha Stewart. She was totally decorating a cake with some lady. I guess my ship has sailed.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Things that make me happy

 To show people that I don't hate everything (Ed. note: I don't) here are some cool things about the world.
1. Winning. Doesn't matter what, as long as I win I am happy. It could be a pick up basketball game. It could be the chance to decorate a cake with Martha Stewart. At least it would mean a free trip to wherever Martha Stewart lives. Martha's Vineyard perhaps? I don't know.
2. A solid meal. That's why Cracker Barrel is an awesome restaurant. You get a delicious, well proportioned meal for a decent price. And you can play that triangle game where if you leave more than four golf tees you are an eeg-no-ray-moos. Or something.
3. Music (that isn't rap, country, screamo, metal, or anything else that I listen to when I'm in a bad mood). Funny enough, two songs that make me happy are by Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears. You know you like them too. Oh and anything by Rob Thomas.
4. A good movie/tv show. Just as nothing is as bad as a terrible movie, nothing is as good as an awesome movie.
5. Getting a good night's sleep. Sleep is gooooood.
6. A lot of things.
7. When people comment on my stuff. Thanks friends and family! You've done well!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Wild Yonder

So I went camping over the weekend. I figured it was the best way to get out of going to church. Naaah! We got back in time for church. Kind of. But anyway, it was pretty awesome. We went up in the Uintas and found a really secluded campground deep in a canyon. Lots of trees and leaves and rocks and bears. Yeah, bears. There were like 15 signs all around the camp. Thanks, Parks and Rec. Way to sell your campground. I went with my good friend Sanchez and my little brother Pepito. We went up there to just get away from civilization and technology and dumb girls, and to build a ton of crap with rope and sticks. Well, we didn't build a ton of crap, but we did rig up a pretty nice shelter with our rope and sticks. Ok, it was pretty much just a tarp tied to a tree, but it was a shelter, by Jove! We slapped together some tin foil dinners (Apparently I'm the only one that calls them hobo dinners. Sorry Sanchez, I didn't realize hobos got offended by food), and chomped down on our ground beef, potatoes, carrots, and asparagus feast-a-roni. We sat and jawed out by the fire and had a ukulele battle with another camper (So I was playing my ukulele and some other guy across the camp was romping on his harmonica. It wasn't much of a battle). It was way dark out so we figured it was a good a time as any to hit the hay (False. We slept on leaves). I thought, "Hey, we got this nice shelter, a bed of leaves, and some warm sleeping bags. This should be no problem!" Ha, how wrong a dude can be sometimes. First of all, there were critters of various sizes skittering around all night. I mean, for real, animals... what the heck? Go to sleep, you rabid jerks. Second of all, leaves are stupid. They got squashed down in like one second and it was like sleeping on rocks again. Plus the ground was slanted so I kept rolling into Pepito. Third of all, none of these things bothered Sanchez or Pepito. In like 10 seconds, Sanchez was already roaring like a turbo powered chainsaw, and after a few minutes Pepito was buzzing like a... Chinese moped. I could have dealt with just Pepito, but the surround sound effect of both of them made my brain want to explode. So... I camped out in the car. Which was as quiet as a dead horse (do people say that?). That made it a little disconcerting, especially since I was sure a bear was going to come and tear the top off my car like a can of sardines. There I was, rolled up in the back just like one of those little fish. It would have been too easy. Did I mention my car is not a big car? I basically slept with my knee in my mouth and my toe in my eye. Don't ask. Regardless of all the sleep trauma, I had a great time. I would ask you something stupid, like "Tell me about a time you went camping," or "Have you ever had a bear tear the top off your car like a sardine can? Explain," but I know you will just ignore it.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Peligroso es mi nombre medio.

As you can tell by my name, I am Hispanic. As you can tell by my Spanish, I am not Hispanic.
I am afraid of heights. Hey! Wipe that smirk off your face. You're probably afraid of heights too. Wuss. I've gotten a lot better since I started climbing to the top of 30 story buildings and leaning right over the edge. Maybe I'm not even scared of heights anymore. Huh. Well, here is a list of things I am scared of.
1. Girls.
2. While not looking, getting hit right in the face with a fastball.
3. Accidentally stealing something from a store.
4. Steve Buscemi.
5. Basically the whole cast of Con Air.
5. Making mistakes.
7. Pork. (I ate bad pork once and was violently ill all night. I still eat it, but with a side of fear.)
8. Finally getting the opportunity to meet Rob Thomas and screwing it up.
9. Finding my soulmate and not having the courage to talk to her. (Not really. This was just to keep the womenfolk reading. Next one is for you men!)
10. Dropping a game winning touchdown catch.

There you have it. Here are some things I am not afraid of:
1. Heights (ha HA!)
2. Getting stabbed. Trust me, I have been stabbed many times, both accidental and on purpose. It's not that bad.
3. That's it.

User Error

I fix things for a living. Usually after breaking them first. They always say, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." I love that saying. It basically gives me license to break whatever I want. As long as I fix it afterward. I wonder who 'They' are. I imagine somewhere a group of people goes around and spouts off proverbs to unsuspecting bystanders. Probably somewhere in California. San Fransisco area. I guess. As you all know, they don't make things like they used to. (Now 'they' are making things too! What the heck, California?) I mean, they can make a refrigerator with a TV in the door but they can't make socks that automatically pair up in the laundry and don't get holes in them. C'mon scientists! Anyway, most things that I fix I can fix really quickly. This is due to a special thing I call ~ "The Magic Touch" (Patent Pending). I touch it, and BLAMO! it works. Ok, it's actually mostly because people don't know how to turn things on. For example: "The air conditioning doesn't work and it's getting really hot in here!" (They are turning the heater knob) "Our window is really hard to open!" (There's a latch) "The tub doesn't drain!" (The stopper is down) "There is water pouring from the ceiling!" (...) Alright, so that last one takes a bit more than "The Magic Touch" (Patent Pending).

Disclaimer: I made all of this stuff up.

Disclaimer 2: I do great work at my job. No breaking things there.

Disclaimer 3: I feel like there should be one more for good measure. Did I mention that my boss is awesome? Well, she is! (Disclaimer 4: This part is not made up).

So yeah, legal stuff can get pretty boring! I should know, I'm a lawyer. What I want from you people (Whaddya mean you people?) is a time where you couldn't figure out how the heck something worked, so you asked for help, and it turned out to be the easiest thing in the world to do, and you felt stupid. I would give you one of mine, but it never happens. So there.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Comment on this, suckas!

So I've noticed a little something as I've been obsessing over the stats page. I have almost 300 page views (generously rounded up), but only about 9 comments total. I assume that it is because people are so in awe of my wisdom that they instantly reach Nirvana, and thus are above base things like blogs, but most likely people close out the window before they are done reading because of disgust/having better things to do.

Challenge!!!! If you think you got something better to say than me, then I want to hear it. Hit me up wit some comments, dawgs! Mostly so I can plagiarize them. Naw... But I will give you a featurette under your own made up name! And as a gift, I will post some of my best movie and sitcom ideas. Well, not the best. They would totally get plagiarized. Have at ye!

Monday, September 27, 2010

This is what I think about.

Have you ever been reading a book and suddenly come to the realization that you blankly looked over several pages without reading a word? Have you ever been driving your car... (No, I've been driving my cattle. Of course I'm driving a car! Duh. Well sorry! It could have been a motorcycle, jerk.) Anyways, have you ever been driving your vehicle, get to your destination, and not remember how the heck you got there? Well stop doing that. It's dangerous. What if you came to in the middle of an important intersection between two complex subplots? You would have no idea what was going on, and have to skip back a bunch. Have you noticed that no one pays attention anymore? I haven't either. What with all the text chats and facewalls, all everyone does is stare down into their device of choice. I know I do. I got this sudoku game, haven't done anything worthwhile since. Except cure SARS!! Muahahaha! What? SARS was just an Asian myth? Like their dragons and driver's education programs? Well shucks.

(Note to anyone who hasn't stopped reading my blog due to being offended/bored: I am not racist/sexist. I am actually a Latina. Ok that was a lie, but this is the truth. I believe that anyone can do anything. Example: Arnold Schwarzenegger. He got super ripped, learned English, made tons of movies, and even had a baby himself! Point proven. And another thing... Most of what I write is just to get a cheap laugh from my ridiculous friends (you know who you are...). I don't even mean any of it. So put that phone down before you call the political correctness police and have a good time!)

(PS. My sister warned me that I was too edgy, and she referred a lot of people over here. Consider yourselves warned as well.) <- one eyed smiley face)

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Good Advice

Never get locked into a schedule. If you do, you become predictable. If you become predictable, then your friends will hide where they know you're going to be, and scare the crap out of you. Just sayin'.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Did I mention that...

I hate loud people? Well I do. I rarely use the 'h' word, unless I'm condemning people to there. I say 'hate' all the time. I live at a place with a lot of lusty youth (For all those confused people, Miriam-Webster defines lusty as 'vigorous' and 'healthy.' It also defines it as 'full of lust.' I mean both in this case. (Side note: Ever wonder if Miriam-Webster was either the first names of a vocabulary driven couple, or the last name of a modern and progressive married woman? Chew on that)). All these lusting hormones have one outlet. The vocal cords. Shouting, screaming, laughing, barking, breathing, coughing, up to three in the morning. It is an aneurysm inducer for sure (Yep, my iPhone could spell 'aneurysm' without my help. And I am one of those jerk iPhone owners that is always shoving it in other people's faces. Sorry, but not really). Maybe everyone here grew up in the city, where anything louder than a mutter got a "Hey! I'm sleepin' 'ere! Shutcha dirty mout'! Ahh fahgettaboutit." And maybe 30 or so curse words. I, on the other hand, grew up in Nowheresville, USA, where we could scream, yell, and cry, and no one would hear us. Not even mom. We were field dressing battle wounds by age 4. (Just kidding ma, love you!) Anyway that's my theory on why kids these days are so bleeping loud. More theories to come.

Fantasy World

My coworkers and I can't stand summer sometimes. It's hot, there is a lot of work to do, and the TV sitcoms are all reruns and junk. But we can't stand summer mostly because the only sports highlights on TV are from baseball games. Boooorrrinng. I mean, baseball has been around for like 150 years (don't look it up and correct me, jerks), so anything amazing or cool has already been done. How many different ways can a guy in tight white pants catch a ball in a glove? Uh, how about one? And don't tell me that football or basketball have been around just as long. Keep it to yourself. Anyway, when fall finally comes around every real man gets a special feeling. A feeling that can only mean... Fantasy Football! Yeah baby! Ladies, fantasy football to guys is like crafts and scrap-booking to you. Nobody knows why, it's just something we do. (Non scrap-crafting ladies... you've just been stereotyped. Same with you scrap-crafting dudes. Sorry). If you don't know how fantasy football works, you probably fall into one of the groups above. Google it and become enlightened! My team is looking pretty good this year. I'm 2-0 heading into the third week, with my team projected to lose each time. I could talk about this all night on here, but this is all I talk about at work, so I'm done. Stay sweet.

Monday, September 20, 2010

What's in a name?

Don't you hate it when you spend a ton of time thinking of the perfect name for your blog/email address/child, only to find out that it has already been taken? I originally wanted my URL to be in honor of my XBox 360 gamertag, but alas, sledgefest was already taken. By some group actually holding a sledgefest (whatever that is, in real life, I don't wanna know). Oh and by the way, that blog hasn't been posted on for a year and a half. Bummer. Then I tried to do (Mangchi is Korean for hammer). Yeah, some Korean guy made that blog in '04, and had the stamina to do a whopping one post before he quit. So all the creative titles and URLs that I wanted were gone. Now, without a workable title, the website intervenes, usually with a few options for titles. Hey! Why don't you use ChanchoVilla(Birthday)(Social Security Number) as your URL?! Email services tend to do this too. is already in use. Sledgefest(ATM pin number) is available! Thanks, Information Super Highway! Why don't I just tattoo my bank account numbers and the answer to my 'secret question' on my forehead! Ridiculous.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Is this post more appropriate for "tweeting"?

Do you ever wish that you had laser vision? Well I do. Not that you had laser vision, but that I had laser vision. Never have to wash a stupid frying pan again.

Cheese aficionado

I believe firmly in demographics. So with this title I plan on attracting all those cheese lovers out there (numbering in the zillions!) even though this post will most likely have nothing to do with cheese.
I'm writing this on my iPhone right now. Greatest invention ever I might say. Next to kielbasa stuffed with cheese (hah! There you go!). The only downside is that I can see why the youth cannot speak proper English now. The phone caters to people writing sentences like this: "c u 2mrrw 4 sk8tng practice friend!" I typed most of those words wrong but no matter! Auto correction to the rescue! The days of freinds and frieds are over!
Sometimes spell check can be disastrous. For example I once texted my friend, "What's up my homie?" Simple enough right? Not for the iPhone. It corrected "homie" to "homoerotic," I panicked and finished it up with "brother?" Blam! "What's up my homoerotic brother?" So now at work it's really awkward when I run into my homoerotic brother. I can't stare into those deep blue eyes no mo'.
Whoooo! Good thing I made half that story up. It's up to you to decide which half! The choice is yours! Goodnight.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

I play online computer games...

...When I'm really bored.
Back when I was in college (to everyone that is still in college: ha ha), I used to play this dumb game on facebook called Bedazzled or something. That game with all the gems that you gotta spin around and match up. You know what I'm talking about. Anyway somehow my mom finds out about this game and we start to have a little feud on it. She'd post a score of 200,000 and then I would blow that out of the freakin' water with a 300,000, and so on. It was great fun until she started kicking my butt every week, then I quit. It was a waste of time anyway.
I also played this online MMORPG (Don't ask me what it stands for. If YOU know, then comment! Nerd.) called Evony. It was a really dark time in my life. I am definitely not logged in right now and not upgrading my sawmills. Crap. Basically you build a medieval town and train warriors and take over other people's towns. The catch is... you can't actually see any of it. I mean, you can see the buildings and junk in your town, but the wars and all the good stuff are all invisible. And every once in a while it'll pop up an ad that says something like, "It sure is boring around here. Why don't you invite your friends over for some wenching!" Yep, I don't have a girlfriend. No wenching around here. :(

Other than wasting 6 hours a day on iPhone games, I'd say I pretty much kicked my game addiction.

Random junk

Ever get that feeling that someone is watching you? Well I don't. That's called being paranoid, people. No, I get the feeling that someone, somewhere, is thinking the exact same thing that I am thinking at the exact same time. Now that is scary! What if your brainwaves crossed with that person, and then it turned into a Freaky Friday/Faceoff type of experience where you switched consciousnesses? Yeah it might be awesome, for a few hours, or at least until you realized that your priceless Beanie Baby collection which you have been collecting since the 3rd grade may be lost forever to that random person who probably doesn't even use hand sanitizer. Alright, enough of that. Another list~!

Top 5 most annoying generic jokes:
1. Why did the chicken cross the road? jokes.
       Chickens are stupid.
2. Dead baby jokes.
       Funny in 7th grade. Disturbing in all other grades.
3. Knock knock jokes.
        Funny 1 time out of 100, but usually involve either an orange or a really bothersome interrupting cow.
4. Your mama jokes.
        Ain't nobody talkin' bout my mama. Fool.
5. Are there even 5 kinds of generic jokes? Erm... How about the Family Circus comic strip? That one is never even close to funny. Yeah little kids say dumb stuff and frazzle their moms and dads. Big deal. Show me something original for once. On the contrary, a special shout out to Frank and Ernest for their weekly amusing wordplay! Bravo gents!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Pet Peeves

Like most people, I've got a couple (hundred?) pet peeves. Some stuff just drives me crazy. You know what I'm talkin' about. So without further ado, here are some things that annoy me ~

1. People.
2. Girls who call each other 'dude.' This word was not invented for you. It was invented for us men, and us men only. Think of another word, like 'bunny' or 'pickle' that you can call each other.
3. Guys who scream. At the place I live, guys scream all the time. I want to chop my ears off.
4. People who think they are super hardcore because they can ride a longboard. I'm pretty sure I saw a dude (take note on how I used that, ladies) with a broken leg riding a longboard. It's not that hard.
5. This computer. I have to hit the period key really hard for it to work. It's a pain. It's a good thing I don't have very many trailing sentences... Dang it...

I'm gonna stop now. I have to get in the shower with all my clothes on now and weep while rocking back and forth. Find a happy place!