Tuesday, July 15, 2014

I spent too long on this post. ROI is tanking

So I finally figured it out. The secret of blogs. It's so obvious, I should have known from the start. Attempting to placate the masses with failed attempts at humor is a fool's errand. The real money lies in...

~ ~ ~ Crafts! ~ ~ ~

So, in an attempt to become the Lord of the Blogs, I have thus forth verily set my hand to crafting epic crafts of epicness! Forsooth! My first creation!

I call this stroke of genius... Tissue Jug!
As anyone who has ever drank any liquid from any vessel can tell you, the consuming of libations may often result in the dribbling of beverages down the chin onto the garments of the imbiber! Well, maybe not anyone can tell you that. I certainly can. Anyway, I have crafted a modest device that will allow immediate rectification of chin dribblings! Tissue Jug! You don't even have to pull the tissue out! Just bury your face into that glorious paper of tissue and all your facial shortcomings* will be wiped away! No more pesky paper towels, no more wishy-washy washcloths. Just Tissue Jug. Alright, that's a craft. Next...

The Office Horn!
Sometimes in an office setting, you need a horn. When people are talking about the Sarah McLachlan concert they went to over the weekend, and you are trying to work on a big merger, or whatever people with normal jobs do in an office, wouldn't it be nice to just toot on your horn to let people know it's time to get back to the grindstone? Here we have it, The Office Horn! Or, El Horno de la Oficina, as they say Down South! What? No one says that Down South? And horno means oven? How the heck do you say horn? Cuerno? Well that just sounds terrible. New craft!

It's the Cuerno of Who Gives a Crap
Sorry about that. I get a little frustrated when names don't work out. If you already made one, I guess you could put flowers in it or something. Whatever. Anyway, there is my brief foray into crafting. More to come, if I feel like it. Actually, this was pretty exhausting. In fact, I know I'm not gonna feel like it, so Lord of the Blogs will have to go to someone else. Probably my sister. She redesigns furniture and stuff which you can see here
If you need blueprints for any of my designs... then you are worse at crafting than I am, and I weep for America. And anywhere that speaks Spanish, for the obvious miscall on the horno debacle.

*disclaimer: Tissue Jug is not responsible for prepurchase facial shortcomings, nor the removal thereof.