Tuesday, November 9, 2010

the FRESHMAN experience

It's something that all college attendees go through. Unless they don't. But they should. Actually, no. They should not. There is just something magical about being a freshman in college. Maybe it's being in extremely close quarters with 40 strangers of the same age and gender, or maybe it's the extremely potent flatus inducing dorm food. It's probably both. I've noticed that universities tend to encourage the freshman experience. "Here, have this scholarship!" They say, "Come here for freeeeee! Not including books and living expenses." So we go. Sucked right into their evil trap. Immediately on arrival, the university has "Orientation," or Phase I of the diabolical scheme. Because what you don't know is that the university gave the same spiel to about 4000 pretty girls, all of whom are at this orientation and ready to mingle. Add to this several university representatives pitching the town to you. "We've got dances every weekend!" "Here is a map of all the cheap places to eat!" "There is a theater within a 40 minute walk that shows not quite recently released movies until 1 AM and it only costs a dollar!" Enter Phase II. Implementation: Make classes so boring and easy to skip that you pretty much have to not go. So you skip class, sleep in, and maybe catch a 1 AM movie to round out the day. This happens for around 12 weeks until the university sets Phase III into motion. Grades. Suddenly you are rocking a solid 2.5 grade point and the dean sends you a stern letter, the gist of which is that while they would love to have you continue your education at (insert university initials), you will have to pay the entire price of tuition Not including books and living expenses. The university then uses the money it is saving to lure a new batch of recruits in, and the cycle continues. (That's why they call it a cycle! It never stops!)
Now I know what you all are thinking. That's right, I can read minds! Or at least I am a very good guesser. You all are like, "Man, this guy is some kind of conspiracy nut, man. He probably thinks the moon landing never happened, maaan. He probably thinks that President Zachary Taylor's acute gastroenteritis was induced by an anti-whig democrat to allow then Vice President Millard Fillmore to press forward the democrat-brokered Compromise of 1850! MAN! He probably thinks--" Okay, anti-conspiracy conspiracy theorist hippie! We get it! You know your history. Well done. Obviously class wasn't too boring for you. Now I forgot where I was going with this. Bah.

1 comment:

  1. The funniest blog post I've read. I laughed out loud at work. All the old ladies thought I was silly.