Friday, November 19, 2010


So here is a memory that I am not proud of (actually I'm kind of proud... but I have to say that I am not to keep PETA off me). I was probably 8 or 10 or something in there. One of those whiny ages where your teeth still fall out on the bus and you sometimes can't make it to the bathroom on time. Um... I guess that could describe more than one stage in life. I was still in elementary school, alright? It was probably around this time of year, November, and we were getting ready for Thanksgiving festivities at my house. I, of course, didn't want to do any of that junk. Cooking and cleaning are lame! So I left the house and went to... my secret hideout! Ok, so it was my friend's secret hideout, but I hid there too sometimes. As I approached the hideout (about 1/4 mile from my house) something wasn't right. Maybe it was the foreboding cloud cover, or perhaps the old truck rattling by slowly, but I'm pretty sure it was the flock (herd?) of turkeys surrounding the hedge that was our hideout. Most animals are smart, and flee the scene when a rambunctious youth comes storming up. Unfortunately, turkeys are, in a word, stupid. I rushed up to the hideout's entrance, hollering and making my best "boogity boogity" face. Suddenly, my position of seeming dominance turned into a position of desperation as the turkeys formed sort of a wagon circle around me. I don't know if you have ever seen a turkey up close, but to an 8 year old, they are freaking scary! Those big gross necks and nasty beaks and messed up talons and feathers! I did what any young scrappy boy would in my situation. I picked up a handy stick and whacked the closest one right in the head. It made a gurgly gobble and fell sideways into the next turkey. The turkeys stared at me, unsure of what to do, and then began to close in. I then did what any young scared-to-crap lad would do, and took off towards my house. That day, the 1/4 mile sprint record was shattered. Halfway home, I looked back. Big mistake. It was like that scene in Jurassic Park where they look in the side view mirror (Objects in mirror are closer than they appear) and the T-rex is right on them. Luckily I had gone to the bathroom right before I ventured out that afternoon. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to run as fast. I dove over the fence, ran up to the house, slid through the door and locked it. My mom stared at me for a second, and said "Oh good, you're here. Clean and set the table please."

Maybe those turkeys weren't so bad.

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