Sunday, June 26, 2011

Lord of the Fries

First off, I gotta get something off my chest. Why do geico commercials have to be so terrible? I like geico, they provide me with automobile insurance at a lower rate than every other insurance company, but their commercials are so ridiculously asinine they make me want to tear my ears off. They finally got rid of those idiot cavemen, but that dumb gecko is worse. Their commercials with the James Bond announcer voice guy (does anybody else think his voice doesn't match his face?) were funny maybe once, but they get progressively more annoying each time you hear that car salesman radio voice. What also doesn't help is that these commercials come on EVERY commercial break. EVERY FLIPPITY DIPPIN' TIME! Cripes. Enough of that.
What I really wanted to complain about today is Hollywood. Yeah yeah yeah, I know I've complained about Hollywood before. I can do whatever I want here. I'm writing the dang thing. Your job is to read and agree. Anyway, movies released these days are ten times worse than geico commercials. Especially comedies. I can't even go to a comedy without getting bored or disgusted. Now don't get me wrong, dirty jokes don't bother me as much as dirty fingernails do. I went to a public high school, so chances are I've heard it all before. But the dirty jokes in movies nowadays are so bad they make me want to join a convent. And I pretty much just watch PG-13 movies! (I don't care what you say about Tom Cruise, The Last Samurai was a gooood movie, and totally did not deserve the R rating it got) An occasional sick joke I can either stomach or ignore; my main problem is with the general lack of funny jokes in these movies. Hollywood has taken to SNLing everything these days. What is SNLing you ask? It's where you take a joke that could possibly be funny, and then repeat it over and over, so many times that it turns into something that would be appropriate to say at a funeral. It's called geicoing in the advertising scene. It's gotten to the point where the funniest part of SNL is the live music performance. Take that Ke$ha!
I can already hear the responses. "If you don't like it, why don't you come up with something better?!" Hey, I'm trying to do just that! My problem is, I'm not dirty enough, so the movie producers wouldn't even give me another look. I've got a great story in the works, about a precocious little kitten who learns the true meaning of friendship by becoming bunkmates at summer camp with a rascally outcast ferret. Will that become the next Jim Carrey smash blockbuster hit? I think not! He's too busy fraternizing with digital penguins!
So it seems to me our only logical recourse is to revel in the classics. The next time you dust off that VHS of old Looney Tunes cartoons, go ahead and pop it in instead of dropping eight bucks to see some new Hollywood drivel. Then, on the way to get your blu-ray player repaired from VHS tape damage, rent something good, like The Last Samurai (contains Strong Violence and Battle Sequences [but so does Harry Potter!]).

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